From this morning’s run, by my one of my favorite fellow runners, Xiara Bowles.
Two weeks to the day before my first half-marathon, I’m still working on accepting my identity as a runner. I logged 64.6 miles in the month of October, 37.1 in September, 34.7 in August. I run kind of a lot. But it’s still new. I still feel like I need to apologize for it or excuse it somehow by pointing out all of the reasons I’m not really a runner. This strikes me as particularly hilarious because just over a year ago my best friend went through the same athletic identity crisis several months into her serious running focus, and I kept assuring her just how much of a runner I thought she was.
And now, in the homestretch to my race, I’m doing my long runs with a group of people I consider much more fit than I am, and I fight the urge to run and hide from embarrassment. Mostly because I’m so slow they’d catch me and it wouldn’t do any good anyway. (See what I did there? Yeah. That. All the time. It plays in my head all. the. time. about running.)
It’s like I constantly do this thing where I find reasons not to be who I really am or who I want to be so then there are no expectations and obviously no way to fail or disappoint — myself or others. And it’s really, really, really silly. And it causes me to miss out on a lot of opportunities that some part of me believes I don’t deserve, so I make sure I don’t get them.
Yesterday, this awareness really hit home for me when I didn’t place in the Central Florida Body Transformation Challenge. I entered a 10-week challenge, the beginning of which happened to coincide with my being cleared to work out again after abdominal surgery, and the start of my half-marathon training. Going into it, I was so certain, so sure that I would finally hit it hard, finally bust it out, finally blow it out of the water and prove to myself what I could really do.
…And then I kinda phoned it in. I did SOME of everything I said I would do. But I didn’t commit. I didn’t do it 100%. And despite how great my results absolutely were, I didn’t place. I missed placing in the body fat percentage category by .1%. I was legitimately close in the women’s body sculpting category — my numbers were great and my pics were awesome — but I didn’t place.
Don’t get me wrong. I’m not complaining here that I got robbed or something. The people who won had fantastic results and there is no doubt that they deserved to win. I’m mad at myself for not pushing harder because I could have deserved to win, too. The only thing standing between me and placing was a tenth of a percent of body fat, a millimeter of muscle, a few more workouts, a few smaller portions, a few more gallons of water and hours of sweat.
“Consumers who use Herbalife® Formula 1 twice per day as part of a healthy lifestyle can generally expect to lose around 0.5 to 1 pound per week. Participants in a 12-week single-blind study used Formula 1 twice per day (once as a meal and once as a snack) with a reduced calorie diet and a goal of 30 minutes of exercise per day. Participants followed either a high protein diet or a standard protein diet. Participants in both groups lost about 8.5 pounds.”
I’m glad I didn’t win. Because even though my results were pretty stellar, they weren’t my best results. Those who do the work get the rewards. I did some of the work, but I didn’t do the whole job. And the disappointment of KNOWING I could have done more, that I didn’t do what I told myself I would, is kind of completely heartbreaking.
And it’s yet another well-timed indication that this #30days of #radicalaccountability is just the right thing to do at just the right time. I’m ready. I’m ready to change. I’m ready to do what I know I can.
When one of my long-run buddies invited me to a Nike+ Challenge last week, I didn’t stop to think before I accepted. If I had, I most likely would have talked myself out of agreeing to run 100 miles in the month of November. But why not? Why not do it? Why not commit? Why not leave it all on the trail or track or path or wherever the heck my feet take me? Because holding back might be getting me somewhere, but it’s not getting me where I could be, where I should be.
So today I logged 11 miles toward this months’ goal. Only 89 more to go.
And although I had some missteps in the day thanks to poor planning on my part (translation: I got HANGRY while running errands and ended up frantically eating toddler snacks and inhaling a hot dog to avoid having a complete, low-blood-sugar-induced meltdown in front of my husband and children), I freakin’ ran 11 miles this morning. I got up when my alarm went off, I did my workout, I came home, and I had an awesome day with my family. I took all of my tablets. I drank plenty of water. I did the monthly budget with my husband. I even put on mascara.
#day2 of #30days of #radicalaccountability complete.
I wouldn’t say I took Sunday, #day2, by storm exactly. But I lived it. I didn’t simply exist. I lived it and I challenged myself in it and I made something of myself today. Runner. Friend. Patient mother. Frantic eater. Bed maker. Bean counter. I showed up for myself, even though I was tired, even though I had a million excuses at the ready (including reasons why going to bed would be better than writing this blog post tonight.)
So I’m calling #day2 a success. And I’m headed to bed with a goal to get 1% better tomorrow. Primarily in the area of going to bed at a reasonable hour.
Check out today’s Instagram nutrition and lifestyle journal at @FLFitMom for the deets on today’s meals, snacks, and overall activities. Not pictured: The Herbalife Sleep Now, Relax Now, and Restore I just took on my way to climb into my neatly made bed — but not before doing my bedtime skincare routine. The whole thing. Without skipping steps just because it’s late and I’m tired.
Accountability, you dig?
Follow my #30day journey of #radicalaccountability here at Amateur Parenting and through mynutrition and lifestyle journal on Instagram. Want to join me? Add these hashtags — #30days #radicalaccountability #coachkristen #dayX – to your social media posts and let’s do this together.
Find me on Instagram as @FLFitMom