#day10 of #30days of #radicalaccountability complete.
Today felt completely and utterly overwhelming for reasons I can’t yet articulate. Well, no. That’s a lie. I know what it is. I just don’t want to admit that it’s bothering me so much because then I’d have to deal with it. Also known as, all that growth I talked about yesterday? I still need some more, preferably soon. Now would be good. (I could stand some growth in the patience department, too.)
I slept pretty well, though a little less than I would have liked, but the morning was fairly smooth. I had a fantastic run and did my planned length at a great pace, so I’m staying on target for my #100milemonth challenge as well as my race coming up this weekend. My work day was light, which gave me a chance for some brain time but I felt like I wasn’t really firing on all cylinders and had a hard time staying focused.
I’m just grieving. Although the personal conflict I mentioned on Friday was recent, the fact is that the issues were building over time and the relationship shifted long ago and I just never verbalized it, never admitted it, never owned it. So even though the loss truly happened months, years ago, it feels like it just happened. It feels like a sudden, unexpected, traumatic death. And it hurts. And I don’t want to deal with how much it hurts because it hurts and sometimes I worry that if I start crying I’ll never stop.
I’m pretty sure it’s scientifically NOT A THING for you to cry forever (though Emmett did seem hell bent on disproving that theory for the first 5 months of his life, but that’s another post). Rationally, I know that though I may cry, it will likely be short lived and I’ll probably feel a heck of a lot better if I just cry about it. But allowing myself to cry over it — this sounds nuts, I know — makes it real. It makes it final. If I grieve over it, it really happened. And I’m not ready for that yet.
So rather than just DEAL WITH IT, I pretty much phoned in my day. I’m not particularly proud of that. I’m kind of embarrassed and ashamed, to be honest. A day like this after a day like yesterday is a pretty abrupt about face, which is, well, disappointing. Basically what I’m saying is I’m disappointed in myself for being human. Which is absurd when I look at it in black and white on my screen now. I would never be disappointed in YOU for being human. I’m not disappointed in my KIDS for being human. Sometimes I get annoyed with my husband for his humanness, but I wouldn’t say I’m disappointed in him.
And it all goes back to what I wrote yesterday: “Why is grieving so hard for me?” It’s not hard for me. It’s just hard. And today is good opportunity for me to get better at it. So I think it may be time for a good cry.
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