One year ago today, I was 14 days post-ovulation and had already been dead certain I was pregnant for about a full week. I had already peed on at least half a dozen home pregnancy tests (only two are pictured because hey, who wants to see that many sticks someone peed on?), and the blood test to confirm what I already knew seemed almost a waste of time. I would find out on May 10, 2011, that not only was my test positive, but it was very positive. Very positive, as in, my doctor seemed astonished at how positive. The range for “normal” HCG (pregnancy hormone) level is wide, but it was pretty high by all accounts. This was a good sign for many reasons, not the least of which was that my last HCG level for the most recent failed pregnancy had been a dismal 43.
It was only a day or two before I became certain I was carrying twins (and another 2+ weeks before I had proof), but I had an inkling the moment the doctor told me my blood results that this pregnancy would be kind of crazy. My first clue was how pregnant I felt at that early stage. My second was that the instant my pee touched the home pregnancy tests (which, for the record, my doctor told me not to use because she didn’t want me to get a positive that wasn’t a viable pregnancy and freak out), they were unmistakably positive. People in the next state would have been able to tell they were positive. Actually, I sent photos to a friend in Michigan who confirmed that yes, they were very, very positive.
These pics are from literally 30 seconds after I peed. No joke. I did not need to lay them flat for the results to develop. I did not need to wait 2 minutes. I hadn’t even stopped peeing yet before they were positive. I remain impressed with this fact. Which I’m guessing is obvious, since I photographed them. And also saved them, which I admit may be a little creepy but seriously, they were impressive.
I still cannot get my head around the fact that a year ago my babies were a feeling in my gut and a line on a pregnancy test, and now they are real little people with personalities and smiles and thoughts. And they are mine.
It’s hard to remember what life was like before my third Big Fat Positive. We started taking pictures immediately, which almost seemed like not soon enough because my body already felt so very different. It seems that things changed pretty rapidly after that, and it got really real really fast. It was only about a month later that I was hospitalized for the first time (but definitely not the last).
My previous pregnancies, I immediately started writing to my babies in a journal that I planned to give them when they were older. I had big plans. But the third time around, I was too scared. I was excited beyond belief, but I was terrified to start yet another project for a baby that would inevitably die. (I have not yet stopped fearing that at any moment something will go horribly wrong, but I think this is to some extent normal for a first-time mom.) I regret not chronicling the pregnancy in more detail.
And now I regret that I’m not chronicling their day-to-day lives in more detail, because we’re only four and a half months in and I feel like I’ve already forgotten so much. I remember the big events, but I forget so many of the details. They are somewhere in my sleep-deprived brain, but the fog is so thick I’m not sure I’ll ever see them again.
Life with twinfants is much harder and much easier than I could have imagined at 14 days post-ovulation. It’s more terrible and wonderful than I can fully grasp now, honestly, and I’m in the thick of it. I’m desperate for more sleep, but they are growing and changing so much that I don’t want to close my eyes for fear of missing something. Who ever dreamed that 1 year later this would be our life?
