Yeah, that part was not covered in my childbirth preparation. No one told me about the part where one of my babies would be unable (or, as I’m convinced when I’m particularly tired, unwilling) to feed effectively at the breast and I would have to spend a huge portion of every day feeding the equivalent of four babies instead of just two. Because I nurse Emmett, then I nurse Miles, then I give Miles a bottle of expressed milk or formula because he’s still hungry, and then I pump for Miles. That’s four — count ’em — four feeding events per feeding. Not to mention the times when Emmett projectile vomits the entire contents of his stomach and needs to eat again 20 minutes later, which ups the count to five.
I’m ashamed to say that pumping is definitely not getting the attention it deserves, and I feel horrible about it every day. Every day. All day. Because every time I don’t pump is a time when Miles doesn’t get as much breastmilk as his brother, and a time when I have to supplement with formula, which I swore I’d never do, and a time that I feel I’m failing him as a mother.
I know these things are irrational. I know that any breastmilk at all is good for him and he will not die because he eats formula less than half the time and being able to pump at all is kind of herculean when I’m juggling two babies and trying to occasionally sleep and bathe. I know those things, and they don’t matter because my precious baby is not getting what I want him to have because I’m human and have limitations and am in a position where “good enough” is as good as it gets. I am not used to being human, and I feel like I’m letting Miles down.
Also, I hate pumping. I hate the sound of the pump. I hate the feel of the hard plastic breast shields against my skin. I hate the tugging, pulling suction that leaves rings around my areola and inflates my nipples to epic proportions for 40 minutes after each pumping session. More than anything, I hate having to choose between eating and pumping, between napping and pumping, between showering and pumping. Every time I choose the other thing, I feel like I’m putting myself ahead of my child and that is wrong. But I can’t not eat or not sleep or not bathe and still be remotely functional, so it’s the lesser evil. Right? Right. I know it is. But I have to remind myself every day and sometimes I cry about it anyway.
My hope is that by the end of the month, or maybe next, he’ll be fully on the breast and then I can just pump once a day to fill the freezer for the times I go out or I just need an extra hour or two of sleep. But every time he jumps forward, he falls back again a day or two later. Not as far back as before, but still back from the amazing progress he made. Every time, it breaks my heart.
Am I putting too much pressure on my children already? To much expectation of success and perfection? Am I setting him up to fail with my attitude? Is this the start of a lifetime of making him feel inadequate? These are the thoughts that run through my head in the middle of the night when he’s getting yet another bottle because I’m too emotional and frustrated to deal with yet another unsuccessful nursing session.
As much as I’m grateful for the pump because it allows me to feed him milk even when he won’t take it the way I want, I am so ready to go Office Space on this sucker. I cannot wait for the day when it becomes optional instead of essential.
Mama,
Don’t hang yourself with pump tubing quite yet. Have you talked to your doc about supplements to increase your supply? Also, pumping is not as effective as a baby at the breast. Medela and Hygeia have come close, but are not replicating the exact numbers of a baby at the breast. That being said, when you pump, you aren’t stealing food from the mouth of either babe when you pump. Remember that it’s a supply and demand thing. Your body will make what your body demands. I’m sure it’s frustrating. *hugs* Here’s to an easier time with the whole breastfeeding thing. (when it comes down to it, as long as you are feeding your babies, you are doing a great job.)
OMG Kristin, this sounds awful! Feeding twins can be hard, mostly in the first month or two, but even so, it shouldn’t be that hard!. The thing is, the stupid rules so many people give you for pumping make pumping so so much harder than it has to be. And when you hate your pump, which who wouldn’t when it’s nagging you 24/7, just plain hating the pump literally interferes with easy milk flow. So then you hate it even more–vicious cycle. And, since you have plenty for Emmet, suggests to me you already have more than enough milk for one baby, just not quite enough yet for two. That’s a real easy thing to remedy, and pumping and hating it is about the hardest way to go about it. My husband knows you via an editing thing online. I’ll contact you privately. We’ve got all sorts of stuff up our sleeves to make things a whole lot easier. Talk to you soon. Tina (MD and LC)
I’m already plotting giving my pump to my pregnant best friend. I hate it. I don’t even want to look at it. Thankfully after 9 weeks of pumping Mikey is on the breast. I still don’t like that know one saw that he was tongue tied sooner. I might have been able to chuck that pump early or better yet, never needed to buy it. Since I rented a Symphony during the NICU stay. You are doing the best you can. The only reason Mikey didn’t get more formula was because I had a freezer stash from when Mikey wasn’t allowed to eat. :) You are an amazing mom!!!! I’m in awe of all you do. :) And your awesome attitude while you do it.
You are super mom. And those boys are wicked lucky they get to call you theirs.
I am sorry it’s hard and frustrating and annoying. But you are doing so much more than most would. And I realize that doesn’t make you feel better but someday you’ll look back and laugh. Because these few weeks or months of doing your best (or on some of the rougher days just barely getting by) is going to more than enough for your strong, healthy, happy little guys.
You can’t be the best mom to them without taking care of yourself as well. I guarantee you a mom that got a well deserved nap is worth ten fold over the sacrificed breast milk from the missed pump session.
You are doing awesome. Hang in there!
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Kristin,
I felt the same way about nursing/pumping/pumping/nursing…..it felt like that’s all I did and it was never gonna end, and then suddenly it did and things got easier.
I so get the whole guilt thing! No matter how much I do, it seems there’s always something extra I feel I should be doing….I think that’s just a mom thing.
Oh my goodness! You are hitting the nail on the head! I have a spnborn with Down syndrome. He has latched on a handful of times, we are stuck with a nipple shield and evertime we have a good day we then have a week of bad days. I am so sick of pumping! He is 4 months now. I have two other kids. I still have hope that someday he will get nursing down.
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