I will forever remember 27 as the year I finally grew up — and not just because it was the last year I could legitimately describe myself as being in my “mid-twenties.”
When I was a kid, I looked forward to middle school because those 12- and 13-year-old girls just really seemed to have it together. In middle school, I thought high school would be when I would get a handle on things. Of course, I was clueless then, and eagerly awaited college, when I would be smart and sassy and clever and independent. And then in college, I looked forward to my early 20s, when I’d be out in the so-called real world. When that long-awaited reality rolled around, I longed for my 30s.
Last year, I finally got it: Always waiting for the next stage of my life made me miss the one I was in. In fact, I even blogged about the importance of appreciating “the now” in a post here in 2009. I’m not sure how it escaped me all these years, but there’s something exciting and romantic about figuring things out as you go. Instead of berating myself and growing frustrated when I realize I’ve screwed something up or don’t know what to do next, I’m enjoying the challenge of figuring out what to do next, and reflecting on how far I’ve come since the last time I found myself either stuck or doing damage control.
Ironically, being more aware and accepting of my own limitations made them significantly less limiting. The passion and joy with which I approach my life now has been, frankly, an adjustment. But it has been a wonderful one. I still struggle mightily with depression and anxiety, but they have become just two among many facts about me instead of failings that define me.
But there was a lot of focus on my failings in the last year, believe me. I realized at some point last spring that the life I was living was not the one I wanted to be living, and the person I was was not the person I wanted to be. It was surreal, this realizing that I didn’t particularly like myself, and strangely empowering.
With this month hosting not only my 28th birthday but also my 10-year high-school reunion, my mind is split between looking back and looking forward — for what I imagine are fairly obvious reasons. And I’m looking forward to processing this more right here.
Beautifully written.
We’re all guilty of chasing our futures and missing our present. It helps that you’ve realized who you are as much as where you are. For some of us, that realization didn’t hit until mid-thirties. For others, it never happens.
Welcome to your real world. :)
I don’t know you personally, but it’s beengood to watch your blogging reflect your growth and change over the past couple of years. I hope the reunion went well, and that you have remained kind to yourself even as you grow as a human being.