Why I Don’t Hit My Kids

A friend and fellow mommy blogger (see her awesome In Love and Words) posted this on her Facebook wall this week, and debate ensued.

I consider myself a gentle parent, but I have bad days. I have yelled at my kids on two different occasions. (I do not include the times Emmett bit me while nursing and I screeched involuntarily because it hurt worse than childbirth or my tattoo and I literally couldn’t help it.) One time, when the boys were about 9 months old and Emmett reached for something super dangerous, I can’t even remember what it was, I grabbed his hand and swatted it and said, “NO!” very firmly. Then I froze. I had just hit my kid. My BABY. That is not the kind of mom I want to be, and in that moment, I immediately apologized to him and swore I would never do it again. So far, I haven’t. And I plan to keep it that way. 

Here’s a my contribution to the discussion that occurred in the comment trail:

I honestly used to be in favor of spanking, swatting, smacking, slapping, whatever, as a form of child discipline. But then I got more information about how it affects children in the long term, how it changes their brain and what it teaches them about trust, safety, and relationships. I also learned more about what it means to teach a child to respect his own body and to trust his instincts, and how to help a child keep himself safe from people who would try to exploit innocence for their own satisfaction. And when I learned more, I came to understand that it’s never just a swat, never just a spanking, never just “discipline.” Discipline is teaching children right from wrong, how to manage themselves and their behavior. Spanking is punishment. Spanking is violence. And in addition to the fact that research shows that it’s linked to long-term negative physiological and emotional consequences, it’s not even effective. I learned better, and fortunately it was before I did any damage in my relationship with my children that I would have to undo. There’s no shame in changing your viewpoint based on new information. So now that I know better, I do better.

Some back and forth followed. Here’s the portion that involved me. Disclaimer: In some places, I have combined comments just to make them make sense despite itchy trigger fingers on the enter key, but I haven’t done so in a way that changes the meaning or the content.

Other Commenter 1:

…Are you saying that people that were brought up in a spanking household are somehow lack in “relationships and trust”?

Me:

No. I am saying that there are pathways in the developing brain that are changed by the experience of physical violence, abuse, neglect, and things in childhood, and they are associated with long-term consequences that include not only emotional and psychological impact but also physical/medical impact. Whether you perceive it as “lacking” would be to your own judgment. But it is different from the way pathways develop in a child who has not experienced those things.

Other Commenter 1:

hitting, and a light pat on the bottom are two totally different things. so, If we are talking about abuse, yes, abuse has long term effects on ones psychological development. I’m sure if I lightly pat you on the bum, and then smack your ass, you’d know the difference.

Me:

 I’m an adult. A “light pat on the bottom” IS hitting. That’s what I’m saying. Children perceive it as hitting. Children’s brains are affected by adults hitting them regardless of the adult’s intention in doing so.

Other Commenter 1 (after much back and forth that didn’t involve me):

I just got pissed that people are saying that people who were spanked that “there is something wrong with them” that they “lack” in a certain way.

Me:

I’m not sure if you were referring to anything I said but just in case I want to make sure I was clear. Whether there is something “wrong with” a child who is spanked or an adult who was spanked as a child is very subjective. What is NOT subjective is the fact that certain experiences in childhood, including physical violence ranging from spanking to out-and-out beating, changes the development of the child’s brain from what happens in situations where this does not occur. MANY things affect early childhood development, not just this, but this is certainly a big one. 

The result is that some areas of the brain, particularly associated with impulse control, stress management, problem solving, and self-regulation develop differently in size and level of function compared with children who did not have these experiences. Levels of certain hormones like stress hormones and adrenaline (fight or flight), and the pathways that activate those hormones also change in size and function. Some go up, some go down. 

Because of this, people who had experiences that changed their brains in this way will have to work harder in some ways to do the same things that are natural or significantly easier for people whose brains developed naturally without something getting in the way to interrupt the natural development and pathways. For most people, if you have an overactive fight-or-flight response and an underactive self-regulation center in your brain, that’s kind of hard to deal with unless they get some strategies in place to make up for the changes.

So then these individuals have Is that “something wrong with them”? Depends who you ask. Depends on the person. Depends on what else happened in in that person’s life to teach the brains workarounds for the pathways that should have developed differently. They’re not “inferior” or “less than.” It just sucks that things may be harder for them than they need to be. If I can make decisions as a parent to avoid that struggle for my kids, I want that information.

these changes are also associated with greater likelihood of mental illness, substance abuse, and specific physical health conditions like weight problems, cardiovascular problems, diabetes, and others. Is it a guarantee? Of course not. No one is saying that if you hit your kid, your kid is definitely going to have schizophrenia, be morbidly obese, lose both feet to diabetes, and live under a bridge until dying at an early age. Association does not mean definite. It does mean higher likelihood.

Most people don’t know this stuff because most people don’t talk about it. Can you make whatever parenting decisions you want? Of course you can. Assuming it’s within the limits of the law, go to town. But make them informed decisions. Because it matters. Kids “turn out fine” all the time despite adverse circumstances and experiences. Chances are, your kid will “turn out fine,” too. But different decisions in any number of areas — not only discipline and punishment, but also nutrition, overall parenting styles, whether they share a room with a sibling, how much time they spend in front of the TV, where they go to school, and on and on and on — could take a kid from “fine” to “amazing,” from “fine” to “the best possible way my kid could have turned out in every dimension.” I’m shooting for the best possible outcome, which is frankly hard work. I will fail in some areas. I will screw them up in ways I cannot even imagine at this time. But hitting them won’t be one of those ways.

Honestly- through all the comments I started to realize I’m happy to see people who are SO into parent hood and their life revolves around their children, and they spend most of their time trying to figure out ways to be better at being a parent. I really do appreciate that because I see in the news how bad parents most people can be. But, man, you guys make this seem exhausting! lol I mean with all the research and information, and conflicting research and information. Makes me truly respect those that do it so well and make it look so effortless without making such a big diabolical of it all. But again, very refreshing to see you all bettering yourselves as parents and people in general – I just hope you aren’t too hard or judgmental on yourselves, because man, it’s a lot to live up to with all the “right” ways to parent.

It IS exhausting. And terrifying. And emotionally demanding. And most days I think suck at it, and I just have to try to do better the next day. But so far it’s worth it. Ask me again in 18 years, though. And pass the wine, would you?