What I Wish Someone Had Told Me After My Miscarriage

I had my first confirmed miscarriage in July 2010. I say “confirmed” because I believe there was one before that, but I hadn’t tested yet and I don’t know for sure. I was devastated. I was lost. And I felt very, very alone. People kept telling me how common miscarriages are, that there would be other babies, that I should get over it, and in one particularly memorable conversation that I was “lucky because at least it wasn’t really a baby yet.” Those people can suck it. Here’s what I really wish someone had said, and what I say now to the moms in my life who miss babies they didn’t get to know.

I am so sorry. Miscarriages are absolutely devastating. It’s totally normal and expected that you feel lost right now. You will probably feel that way for a while. There’s nothing wrong with that.

I don’t remember what, if anything, my OB said after my first miscarriage. I was too upset. But I remember vividly that after my second miscarriage, my OB was like, “There will be other babies. Up to 50 percent of pregnancies end in miscarriage, but many of them are so early that a lot of times people don’t even know.” And I was like “And you’re OKAY with this? Are you out of your freaking mind? There will be other babies? Well, we wanted THIS baby.” I don’t even know why people say crap like this. And a lot of people will say crap like this. These people are foolish.

Know this: Your baby, even though you didn’t get to meet him or her, was a real person and this is a real loss with real grief. Your baby matters. Don’t feel that you need to hurry up and get over it. You have lost a child. Healing takes time.

Feel as sad as you need to feel for as long as you need to feel it. It took me months to feel okay again. Even though it’s been several years now, I still cry sometimes when I think about my two babies that I didn’t get to know. It does get easier with time. Problem is, time is slow. And it never goes away — it always hurts when you poke it. It just gets less raw. Breathing becomes less of an effort. You cry less.

One day you will realize you didn’t think about the baby that day and you may cry because you feel guilty. But right after you stop crying that time is when it starts to feel okay again. It starts to become one thing about you instead of your whole defining moment.

Your due date will be hard. You will probably remember every year that that was the day you were supposed to have your child. Baby showers and births will be hard. It’s hard to want to be happy to for someone else when it just hurts so much that it’s not you. You’re not selfish for being sad and wishing it was you. You’re normal.

My best friend’s daughter was born two months after my first loss. It was hell. I didn’t know what to do. So I went to the hospital and held her baby for 8 hours and sobbed. And we were all glad I was there. You, too, will figure it out as you go along.

Other people’s miscarriages will be hard. Pregnant and parenting teenagers will suck. You will want to strangle them because they have no idea what they have and seriously, why do they get to have a kid when YOU’RE the one who did everything right and are an adult who WANTS TO RAISE A CHILD RIGHT NOW? If Teen Mom comes on while you’re watching TV, you may throw the remote at the screen. Same with any talk show that covers kids with kids — particularly when the young parents are morons.

People who complain about being pregnant will be the worst. Well, second worst. Worst will be people who have abortions. Those people you will probably want to kill with your bare hands. You don’t want that baby? I WILL TAKE IT.

These things may not seem rational. But this is grief. And there’s nothing wrong with you. You are not crazy and you most definitely are not alone. This is a BIG DEAL and it’s HARD and it’s isolating because no one talks about it! Which makes no sense! Once you have a miscarriage, all these people start “coming out” about having one a few years ago and never telling anyone, that kind of thing. It’s really…unsettling. Like, how are all of these women going through this horrible experience and they can’t even talk about it? What IS that?

You’ll know when you’re ready to try again. IF you’re ready to try again. Some people take years. Some people, just a few months. Your right time will be right for you, and it will be exactly right. You will be able to handle it, whatever the outcome.

This sucks. End of story. Take all the time you need and grieve how you need to grieve. You know what you need. Trust yourself. Be kind to yourself. And recognize how much it says about your character that you loved this little baby so much even if he or she was on this earth for only a few weeks or months. That baby is lucky to have you as a mom.