Mythbuster Monday: “Moms Are Always a Mess” — How to Look Your Best in Under 20 Minutes

Moms are frazzled. Moms are frumpy. Moms live in sweatpants and spitup-covered teeshirts that don’t fit. Moms look like MOMS, not people. You’ve seen the commercials, the sitcoms, the magazine articles, the joke cards and calendars and teeshirts and blah blah blah. I say this is FALSE.

No one’s saying you have to be a MILF 24/7. But you don’t have to look like you just got run over by a minivan and live under a bridge, either. Moms are allowed — nay, encouraged — to wear clothes that fit and aren’t covered in stuff that came out of their kids. You’re allowed to take some time for yourself every day and feel like a human being. If you’re comfortable in yoga pants, by all means, wear yoga pants! (I’m wearing them right now, in fact.) If you like your hair in a ponytail, wear it in a ponytail! But do it because you want to, not because you feel you don’t have a choice.

Here’s how to put yourself together fast when you’ve got little kids and a full schedule. Or, as I like to call it…

From Hot Mess to Hot Momma in 20 Minutes or Less

This is the Before picture. Obviously. I like to call this look “serial killer chic.” #worstphotoever

As you can see, I am not exactly a morning person. I look like this when I get out of bed every day. It’s rough. So if you want to know if this under-20-minutes thing works on the worst case scenario, well, here’s mortifying photographic evidence that indeed it does.

Before You Begin

Don’t start the clock yet. Before you start your 20-minute routine, do a little prep work the night before. Two items, in fact:

1. Lay out your clothes for the next day every night before bed. Not sure what you’ll feel like wearing? Check the weather and pick something. Even if it’s all wrong, it will be better than dirty PJs all day, I promise.
2. Assemble your supplies. It’s hard to get ready efficiently when you can’t find your deodorant, your toothbrush, or your towel. I keep all my stuff in a drawer in the bathroom. Before I had a bathroom with drawers, I kept it on the bathroom counter in a decorative photo box that I got at Burlington Coat Factory for $1.99. Toiletries, cosmetics, whatever. Get it all together and keep it all together.

Start to Finish in 20 Minutes or Less, Step by Step

This looks like a lot of steps, but it’s really not that much. Most of them will be automatic to you, but you might do them slightly differently. This is just to make sure you know exactly what I do to get this all done in under 20 minutes.

1. Strip and turn on the shower. While the water heats up, brush your hair. Rationale? You’re much less likely to get distracted and go do something OTHER than showering if you’re already naked from the get go. Just go with me on this. Also, if you brush your hair now, it makes the finishing touches go faster.
2. Hop in the shower and grab the shampoo. Pour or pump it into your palm while you get your hair wet. Shampoo and rinse. Repeat if necessary, but since you’ll be doing this every day you probably won’t need to repeat. I use Suave Professionals Sleek Shampoo.
3. Condition your hair. Leave the conditioner on while you do the next steps. You probably could have guessed this, but I use Suave Professionals Sleek Conditioner.
4. Wash your face. Apply your cleanser of choice to your face, neck, shoulders, and sternum. I also use it on my cleavage now that I have these crazy post-pregnancy boobs, because there’s a lot more going on there than there used to be. My favorite is Neutrogena Oil-Free Acne Wash Scrub, Pink Grapefruit, which smells amazing and puts me in a great mood.
5. Thoroughly wash the pits and the bits and any other area you feel needs special attention. I like to use a soapy washcloth, but some folks prefer a bath pouf or just their hands. Whatever.
6. Quickly run over the rest of your body using your already-soapy cloth, pouf, or hands. You’re doing this every day, so you don’t need to go crazy on areas like your shins, your hipbones, etc. You know where you’re actually dirty.
7. Rinse your body — not your hair. Keep that conditioner in there.
8. Grab your razor and shave gel. Lather up and shave one leg at a time. Then, rinse. I go in this order: thigh (side, top, side, back), bikini area, toes and top of foot, shin and sides of calf, back of leg (calf), knee, back of knee. Then rinse and switch. I used to get my own shave gel, but men’s is so much cheaper and easier to find coupons for that I just use Daddy-in-Training’s Gillette Series Shave Gel With Aloe, Sensitive Skin. I used to do refillable razors, but disposable proved to be more economical, so now I use Schick Xtreme3 Sensitive and they’re great.
   >>>  TIP: I like to shave every day because it takes about 30 seconds per leg when I stay on top of it. Some folks prefer to do it every other day, or to do it every day but shave just one leg. Your call.
9. Grab your toothbrush and toothpaste. This one’s optional, but recommended. Following Daddy-in-Training’s example, I brush my teeth in the shower in the morning, and at my sink at night.
10. Rinse the conditioner out of your hair, rinse the shower, and turn the water off. Squeeze the water out of your hair and grab your towel.
11. Dry off and wrap your hair in your towel. Keep your hair in your towel while you get dressed.
12. Get dressed. Underwear, a bra (if you wear one), top and bottom, belt, accessories, socks, shoes, whatever you need to get through your day. Since it’s all laid out, this should be the easiest thing you do all day.
13. Moisturize your face and neck. Don’t forget your neck! Otherwise you’ll look like this. I use Garnier Moisture Rescue Lightweight UV Lotion SPF 15, 4.50-Fluid Ounce.
14. Grab your blowdryer and blast your roots and, if you have them, bangs. Then quickly brush or comb your hair into place. This is all you need to not freeze and to look more or less polished. I never dry my hair fully unless it’s frigid weather and I’ll be stuck outside for a long period of time. I have a lot of hair. It takes forever. Even with my turbo blowdryer.
15. Apply mascara (top and bottom), eyeliner (top only), and lipgloss. This is all the makeup I wear on a daily basis, and I use the term “daily basis” loosely. Sometimes I just don’t feel like it.

This is the after picture. Elapsed time, 17 minutes and 39 seconds.

That’s it. You’re done. It’s 15 steps, but really they’re overly detailed and there aren’t that many steps. If you read my previous post about how to make time for personal grooming every day, you already have some ideas for structuring your day around making this happen, and what to do with the kids so you can have your 20 minutes.

If you’re in a real hurry, it’s easy to skip unnecessary steps like speed-shaving, blowdrying, or adding cosmetics and still have the basics — clean and dressed — covered. Set your timer and see how long it takes you to get through this routine. For me, 17 minutes is average to do the whole thing and I don’t even feel rushed.

How do you get ready for your day? Leave a comment.

Each week in Mythbuster Monday, we tackle some of the crazy and often discouraging stuff people tell parents — especially expectant and new moms. Want to request a post on a specific parenting myth ? Contact us with your idea!