This post kicks of a new weekly feature at Amateur Parenting: Working Mom Wednesday. Each week, we’ll discuss another aspect of the challenge and reward of balancing the roles of employee and mommy. Want to request a post on a specific working mom issue? Contact us with your idea!
This is a touchy topic, but I’ll be blunt: I think this notion of “having it all” is completely absurd. Yet when we consider working moms, we expect them to have it all. Right now. All the time. And gosh darn it, to look good doing it. Or alternately, we expect them to be haggard and incompetent because their wombs are sucking the life out of them. Neither of those are fair, but they both put unnecessary (and unfortunately unavoidable) pressure on moms.
I’m not suggesting that it must be “all career, no kids” or “all kids, no career” — those things can overlap. And you can have a lot. At some point in your life you can have everything. But you can’t have everything all at once all the time. There are sacrifices. There are priorities, and not everything gets to be at the top of the list. There are “balances and tradeoffs.”
To be clear, this is not just an issue affecting moms. Dads and nonparents also get caught up in the “have it all” mentality. (It’s at the root of our massive economic crisis, if you ask me, but since you didn’t I’ll save that for another post.) But because I am a working mom, struggling mightily with how to balance being a good worker with being a good parent every day, this idea of moms having it all is near and dear to my heart.
Well, actually, it’s near but not so dear. I actually kind of totally hate it.
I work full time for an employer (a “real job,” if you will), but I telecommute 100% so I have the benefit of actually being home all day and seeing my kiddos as much as I like. I also work part time, from home, still with unrestricted access to my kiddos, on top of my full-time job. The upside is that I am home when they need me, and to (attempt to) nurse Emmett throughout the day. The downside is that I’m here when they need me, which makes it hard to focus. And my constant struggle is: I need to finish XYZ, but I just heard a crash and Emmett is crying the I-need-my-Mommy cry and I am right here, so do I go to him or do I let SuperSitter do the job we are paying her to do, i.e., take care of the kids so I can work? It’s horrible.
I love my job. I am grateful for it every day. And I am immensely grateful to be able to be at home for their firsts and their meltdowns, to be able to take them to the doctor and cuddle them when they are teething and hold a sleeping baby against my chest while I do research or write on days when they just need me. And if I’m being honest with myself, I couldn’t not work. I need something to do to keep me sharp, to keep me feeling human, and if nothing else to justify all that money I spent on grad school. I do not, however, need to do it full time in order to feel fulfilled as a person. (Unfortunately, I do need to do it full time to pay my bills, but soon Daddy-in-Training will be home full time and that is the next best thing.) Working full time actually makes me feel unfulfilled, because I am perpetually torn between my two roles (mom vs. employee) and left feeling like I suck at both of them.
And when I see magazine articles touting ways for working moms to have it all, I just want to scream. Because I need more crap to worry about? Not only am I not mom enough or not employee enough, but I’m also not “having-it-all-ish” enough? WHY do we have to have it all? Why can’t we just have some of it and be content with that?
You can’t be 100% of two different things at one time or all the time. You can be 50/50 or 60/40 or any other combination. You can be 90% for 20% of the time at one thing and 10% at it the other 80% of the time. But you can’t be 100% of both at once. And in my experience, you can’t be 100% of either because the other is always there. At least, I can’t.
What is your experience as a working mom? Do you feel like you “have it all”? Do you think it’s possible to “have it all”? What is your ideal situation? Leave a comment and share your story.
I’ve had two different working mom scenarios. With one child, I worked outside the home 3 1/2 days a week. I then had 2 full days all to myself with my little one, and an extra 1 1/2 days on the weekend with Princess Daddy at home too. I never felt like I needed a break from her (like some SAHM’s complain of) because I was away from her enough to already feel guilty. With three kids now, that set up wouldn’t be worth it. It would cost me more in daycare expenses than I was bringing in income so I stay home and work part time from home. I often feel like I need a break from my kids and naptime isn’t quite enough to do it. I feel lonely a lot during the day. I bother my working husband and friends and get frustrated if they are too busy for me. It’s not ideal at all. But then I get to see everything about my babies growing up, something I missed two full months of when I was hospitalized and I learned to try not to take things for granted so much. So for every break I want, I try to replace it with a snuggle, a snuggle I couldn’t get whenever I wanted if I had to work. And I make extra money for our family pretty much every waking minute that my kids are occupied or sleeping. So I end up envying moms that have someone to take care of their little ones (like a spouse or grandparent or sitter, even for a few hours) while they work. So do I have it all? Nope.
Pingback: Working Mom Wednesday: Four Tips From a WAHM
Pingback: Working Mom Wednesday: Why I Quit My Job