Screenshot from the Facebook page for Reasons Mommy Drinks. Love the blog, hate this pic.
Why do other parents say so much discouraging crap to new moms and dads? I thought the misery-disguised-as-advice was rampant when I was still pregnant, but I had no idea what was to come once I popped those suckers out. These Debbie Downers were oh-so-uplifting when I was busy attempting to gestate while puking so much I thought I would upchuck major organs at any moment.
“Give up on the idea of ever leaving the house,” they tell me. “Sleep now, because you’ll never sleep again,” they warn. “Forget time alone with [Daddy in Training] for the next 18 years,” they say. I’ve learned to smile and keep my mouth shut, but what I really want to say is, “Just because you’ve chosen not to make any of those things a priority in your life and therefore resent your children doesn’t mean I have to do it that way.” I know plenty of well-rested, socially (and sexually!) active parents who have successfully incorporated children into their lives, and I fully intend to become one of them.
I’m happy to report that, with the exception of a few rough days here and there, my life with twinfants is pretty darned awesome. I sleep. I eat real food. I leave the house. I bathe. I get my eyebrows waxed. I meet friends for coffee. I go to the gym. I have dates with my husband. I have a sex life. I do normal human things. And yet, I have twins. Two children under the age of one. Both of whom happen to be teething right now (more on that in another post). It’s a freaking miracle, according to these depressed, miserable parents who apparently hate having children and are protesting normal adult existence as a result.
I don’t get it. Why would you choose to be so unhappy? Why would you choose to isolate yourself? Why would you fill your internal dialogue with Woe is Me! rants about how you can’t do anything now that you have kids? Or perhaps worse, to surround yourself with people who share the opinion that once you have kids you might as well give up because, as we all know, ha ha ha, babies ruin all your fun.
My life is different, don’t get me wrong. I think it’s more or less universal that your priorities change when you have kids. (If your priorities don’t change when you become a parent, either you led a really bizarre life for a child-free adult or you may need to consider whether you’re doing it wrong.) I don’t zip out to DQ at 11 p.m. when I’m home alone watching Lifetime movies because seriously, who wants to wake two sleeping babies for a late-night field trip to the truck stop? It’s more important to me that my kids be well-rested than I never miss a Zumba class when Daddy-in-Training gets home late from work.
And my life is hard, too. Right now, there is a lot of screaming and not a lot of sleeping because the boys are cutting 9 teeth at once between them. Frankly, this week sucks. But it’s temporary. Miles’ top four broke through, and he’s already feeling better today. We’re almost back to normal. And in the 6 days or so of teething hell, I still managed to work, keep my house looking more or less presentable, cook, bathe, run errands, and a host of other normal people things — despite the fact that I had no workday childcare for a day and a half.
It’s fun to trade war stories with other moms, to get the assurance that you’re not insane for being convinced that that last time the baby bit while nursing was totally on purpose because he thinks it’s funny when you screech, to have someone to call when the baby poops in the bathtub and you don’t know how to clean the tub toys. We’re a community of people who are all going through something challenging and surprising and exhausting and completely amazing, and not all of it is sunshine and lollipops.
But even amid commiseration, even despite the hard parts and the days that make you wonder if you’re really cut out for this mom thing, I’m not interested in perpetuating the mindset that your life is over when you have kids. It’s not. That’s a choice parents make and in my opinion it’s a poor one. I’m not an idealist by any means. (Ask me about the first 6 weeks after the boys came home from the hospital, for instance. It. Sucked. I’m still processing it.) But I don’t buy into the collective delusion that parents can’t be normal people. Does it require some effort on your part? Of course. But it’s doable. And it’s worth it.
Stop telling other parents that it’s all over when they have kids. Stop quashing other parents’ delight over their kiddos’ milestones by pointing out how much more their life will suck now that the baby can XYZ. Stop telling us it only gets harder. Stop telling us that we won’t enjoy it much when fill-in-the-blank depressing thing happens. Let us enjoy being parents, enjoy our children, enjoy our lives.
For those of you who think I’m nuts, that it’s only a matter of time before I get real, I have this to say:
I totally agree with you that motherhood is the hardest thing I have ever done, and each stage brings new challenges, but I love it. I’m sorry you haven’t had as good an experience as I have so far. I hope it turns around for you. In the meantime, stop raining on my parade.
Yahoo! Amen! & Hallejuher! (<<in Madea's voice) Sing it sister! That is all. ;)
And another thing! Parents should smile at their kids more. Because kids shouldn’t see only surly complaining parents all the time. Your joyful praise made me think of that. :)
Make that *hallelujer =]
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For god sake please don’t dump crap on new parents give them a break do you hate your kids so much that you give this information to other people what do you should do is just sit down shut up and stop picking on these people if you do I will come to each one of your houses and kick the living shit out of you this is a promise
Kathleen, I’m a little confused. I think you may be too. Did you comment on the wrong article perhaps?
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Thank you, thank you, thank you! My husband and I are trying and we already hear the horrible comments. When people complain and complain about their kids, then ask “are we scaring you?” I want to say, ” yes, not the part about kids. Your constant complaining and attitude scares me.”
Oh God, thank you so much for this! Newly pregnant and good to know my dream of retaining some semblance of who I am is not an impossible goal. I don’t get the negativity either, especially by parents who never shut up about how bad it sucks and then go on to have more than one. Something does not add up.
You are so welcome! I’m not gonna lie. I have bad days. Sometimes I want to shrink them and stick them back in because giving birth again sounds better (and easier) than surviving until bedtime. BUT at the end of every day, THEY ARE WORTH IT. The way they look at me when I tell them I love them, the way they run to me when I come back in the room even if I was gone for only 30 seconds, the unexpected hugs and smiles and giggles, the fun we have together — it MORE than makes up for the hard days. These kids are the best thing I ever did. They have made me a better person. I wouldn’t trade it for anything. It will not always be EASY but it will be AMAZING and you will love it. I promise. Good luck!!! Stick around and keep us posted, would you?
thank you for this ! I’m expecting our first son in 5 weeks and I cannot stand the negativity around child rearing. If it’s so awful, why do people continue to have children? I’m sure you’ve gotten some hate over this post, but those people are the same ones who probably say things like “Oh marriage is such HARD work!”. thank you thank you thank you for your positivity.
THANK YOU I needed this article I have heard that talk and it’s actually discouraged me from having a child but this makes me feel heaps better thank you so much really from the bottom of my ♥…
Hang in there, mama! It can be really hard, but there is so much beauty. <3 -kk
You mentioned all the “normal” adult things you still do…… how?! Do you have lots of money to pay for daycare? I don’t and I definitely am unable to do most of the things you mentioned….. So please do tell how you go to the gym, have a happy marriage WITH a sex life, etc. My son is 13 months and life seems to get harder and harder…. What am I doing wrong? Why am I not enjoying him? Thanks.
Hey, Erica, apologies for the long delay in my response. You got hung up in my spam filter for some reason. Anyway, I’m sorry you are having a hard time! The first couple of years are rough. Sometimes they are REALLY rough. My kids will be 6 in a few weeks and I still occasionally contemplate running away from home. ;) But generally speaking we’ve found a groove and it really does get easier!
What are some of the things you would like to be able to do but feel you can’t right now? Maybe we can figure out some strategies to get you over roadblocks so you can get more YOU back into your life. -kk
Bullshit, it’s over. My life is over and I would never recommend anyone have a child. I love her but my life is a mess and I hate my husband. DON’T DO IT!!
It sounds like you could really use a break and some more support. I hope things get better for you. <3
I tell my single friends that “your life is over” because, well it is. There is no more privacy. YOUR personal, private life, where you can be alone to recharge, undisturbed and away, is over. Until they leave the house
I disagree, but I still appreciate the comment. Thanks for reading.
Oh thank goodness for this article!! I’m only in my second trimester and man the comments you get are from inappropriate to damning! Either before I got pregnant I would hear the complaints from parents and thinking ‘youre only scaring people away for even starting a family!’ I mean did put me off for a good few years. I have no idea why people do it. They do it to people who are engaged or newly wed. There is something about it where they need to ruin other people’s excitement.
You’re so welcome!
OMFG…..Optimistic Much? The Truth is having kids does suck! Your life will change for the worse or in a optimist words “become more challenging.” Remember when you get off work you can finally relax and chill……..Wrong….You can’t relax…you have responsibilities now. Any Mom or Dad out there that says different is Full Of Baby Used Baby Diapers! Get Real about it! Having kids sucks and reduces your time to relax and take care of things you typically would, it is a wonderful thing to have kids but it’s also devoting 99% of you to them which will allow how much time left for yourself? 1% Folks 1 Freaking Percent!!! Think those numbers over folks!
If you’re devoting 99% of your time to your kids, you’re doing it wrong. Good luck. Hope you can find some more balance!
“you have responsibilities now”
I think anybody at the stage of having kids already knows what that feels like. I see this comment was a while ago so I hope you’re less miserable now, wherever you are.
Thank you so much for this article. I’m struggling with the same thing mentioned here. I will be having twins and I am petrified based on what everyone says to me, I have not been able to enjoy the process. Your article gives me hope and strength…. if I just change the narrative I can make it happen. Thank you
Thank you so much for this ❤ I see so many moms who are excited, but I just can’t help but worry about how different life would be. And how many people there are who say that it sucks. Makes me excited and terrified for the future at the same time. So good to know that balance is possible if you are intentional- that kids don’t wreck your life. Thank you :)
Omg! Fuck you. Fuck you a million times. Thats great that you are such a perfect parent that you have to rub in everyone faces how you are this Role model. Do you realize you are just making everyone Who CANT handle it guilty? Are you seriously blaming parents becausd they cant when we already have so much on top of us? Some of us have very difficult babies, some of us have PPD, some of us are simply not cut for motherhood. How could you blame these people for their un happiness? Really you make me furious.
I’m sorry you’re having such a hard time. I hope there’s a way for you to get a break soon, and ideally often. It can feel relentless sometimes.
Thank you so much for this article. I can’t tell you how many people have told me to “get all your travel out of the way now, you’ll never go anywhere again,” and “hope you don’t mind never sleeping ever again.” It makes me laugh because I’m like, “Why did you have kids if you hate it so much?” I get that it’s going to be hard. Harder than I can imagine. But the one thing that I don’t understand is people’s constant need to tell you that you will never be a fully developed human ever again once you have a kid. Yes I will. Because I will choose to. I scoured the internet looking for some sort of an article to shed light on this. I knew there had to be someone out there that had a life of their own and yet was a perfectly capable and loving parent. This gives me hope. You rock :)
Cassandra, I’m so glad you found this encouraging. <3
I have to agree with all the negative Nancy’s – having a child did end my life. My husband is a first responder and I work full time so I get literally zero time for myself. Why did I have a child? I had no idea it would be like this. No more two hour workouts at the gym at 8 pm, no more fun motorcycle trips with my husband, no more vacations without trying to get a crying child to sleep in an unfamiliar place, no more going out with my girlfriends and coming home at 2 am. I am envious of everyone who enjoys having children or has more support than I do. Keep on keeping on ladies! But if you don’t have kids yet and are contemplating it…don’t do it.
you never mentioned a real job. If your job is writing petty feather minded articles like this no wonder your life is so leisurely. I have one child and both of us work realy jobs. No one is the happy. Don’t lie, your another journalist spreading disinformation. Glad your life is so great you can even write about it for the whole world to see. What a fraud.
The article wasn’t about my job, which is why it wasn’t mentioned. But since you asked, yes, we both worked full time when this was written. I’m so sorry you’re so unhappy. I hope you sort out a better situation soon.
You know what annoys me as a single mom with no help from family and the dad? Is that YOUR LIFE IS OVER. It’s so fucking annoying when women like you that have a husband and a community come in and rain on the parade of women that don’t have that. Because you guys have XYZ to help it takes a load of you. My life fucking sucks as a single mom who never wanted kids has to take care of this thing day in and day out that holds me back from having any sort of life whatsoever. So before you sit here with your shit of having everyone help you with your twins that are oh so hard know that not everyone is as fortunate as you
I’m sorry things feel so hard that reading an article you sought out feels like someone actively coming in to specifically rain on your parade. That must feel terrible for you. I hope you find a way to turn things around. Hugs, mama.
Thank ou for this article! Having children is not the problem. Coping skills can be. It is unfortunate and sad that not evryone gets to enjoy parenthood. I truly do hope that those who feel misreable, get a break and that it gets better . Hang in there and know that it is just feelings. It will pass.