That’s the only way I can think to describe the drive to and from New York last week to have Miles’ and Emmett’s tongue and lip ties fixed by Dr. Lawrence Kotlow. I’ll write about the medical stuff later. This post is about how I will never again make a 1000-mile round-trip with two 5-month-old infants in stop-and-go traffic because ohmygodwhatwasithinking.
Princess Mommy knows how horrible it was because I called her in hysterics from an IHOP on the side of I-95 at 10 p.m. the night I was driving back. I’d dropped Daddy-in-Training off in Baltimore for plans with Auntie-in-Training, so it was just me and the babes for the 2 hours it would take to get home. It was bedtime, so I figured no problem, right? They’d sleep the whole way. Ha. I was such a fool. A naive fool. Three hours after I’d left Daddy-in-Training, I was still only about 30 miles down the road and had had to stop twice already because the babies were completely melting down. So of course, I was also melting down.
My conversation with Princess Mommy went something like this:
Heather: Hey, how’s it going?
Me: I’m driving home by myself and the babies keep screaming and I don’t know what to do and it’s after 9 and everything’s closed and I already stopped once for an hour because they were freaking out and then I got lost trying to get back on the highway and then I finally did but they were screaming again so I finally found an IHOP to stop at and I got them inside and they calmed down but as soon as I put them back in carseats they scream again and they’re not hungry because they won’t eat and they are clean and I even tried giving them Benadryl because it worked when we flew for vacation and they are still wide awake and screaming and there are no rest stops and everything is closed and I can’t get a hold of [Daddy-in-Training] and I’m scared to leave because there is nowhere else safe to stop with two babies and I don’t even know where I am and I think I’m going to be stuck here forever and then Miles peed all over both of us and I don’t even know how because he’s got his diaper on and I can’t get them back out to the car and get the diaper bag and get back in here and Emmett spit up everywhere and Miles is drenched in his own pee and we’re a total disaster and I literally don’t know what to do so I’m eating pancakes and crying.
Heather: [brief stunned silence]
Me: I’m completely freaking out.
Emmett: WAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!
Miles: Me, too! I mean, WAAAAAHHHHHH!
Heather: Pancakes and crying is totally okay.
Me: I’m never going to be able to leave. I will be stuck at IHOP in God knows where forEVer. This is horrible.
Heather: Back to basics — if they are crying, they are breathing. I know it doesn’t help, but it’s reassuring, right?
Me: Yes, breathing is good.
Heather: Did you try turning the radio up enough to drown out the crying?
Me: It doesn’t go that loud.
Emmett: WAAAAAAAHHHHHH! See, no radio could cover this up!
Miles: I scoff at your radio! I mean, WAAAAAAAHHHHHH!
And so it continued. After maybe 25 minutes she talked me down enough that I could eat my pancakes without gagging because I was sobbing so hard, and ultimately I managed to get calm enough to actually hang up the phone and get my act together.
Finally two waitresses got a clue and offered to help me, so I had them stay with the babies while I went to the car (10 feet from the front door and in plain sight of both kids at all times, I swear) to get new clothes and a diaper. They got me extra napkins so I could clean Miles and myself up and distracted Emmett while I did a complete wardrobe change on the little pee-pee monster. (I, however, remained in urine soaked clothing for the rest of the night. Fortunately it air dried on the way home.) When I paid my bill, I left them every penny I had on me in tip. It wasn’t much, but it was at least as much as my food cost, probably more.
I learned several things from this experience:
- If you must travel with small children, never do it alone.
- If you must do it alone, just stay home.
- If you must do it at all, find some way to keep your car moving at no less than 55 miles per hour at all times or all hell will break loose.
- If you can’t keep the car moving at 55 mph or more, stop for earplugs because there will be screaming.
- Never leave the car without a full change of clothes for every family member no matter how panicked you are.
- Heather is great in a crisis. I am not.
- Babies crying is not as big a crisis as it may feel.
Also, I hate the movie Speed. The end.
Best comparison, ever!!
And I was only better in the crisis because I was at home with sleeping kids. I assure you the next time I’m crying in an IHOP alone with screaming kids, you will be the first call I make and handle the crisis perfectly! <3 u!
Love the story, but don’t love that this happened to you! Maybe Emmett was crying because he wanted your pancakes. Kidding. ;)
I almost had to take a xanax while reading this. :) Thankfully you survived and so did the little ones. I have a 3 year-old and there are times when I think animals have it right when they eat their young. ;)