My Life on Hold

Ever since I started to become sick during week 6 of my pregnancy (I’m 25 weeks and 3 days today), I’ve spent my life on hold — literally and figuratively. Literally, I’ve been on the phone virtually nonstop during waking hours with doctors, nurses, dietitions, insurance companies, hospitals, bill collectors (because those of us who can’t work don’t get paid), and the like, and I’m constantly being placed on “a brief hold” or waiting hours for calls back. Figuratively, my life has all but stopped otherwise.

Even though I’m starting to feel a bit better — I can sit up and change positions without puking now, for instance — I’m exhausted. I’m malnourished. I’m sleep deprived. My gut burns 24/7. I’m terrified of vomiting. I’m terrified of smelling anything. I’m terrified of trying to eat anything that I once puked up. I’m terrified of trying to eat anything that won’t taste okay coming back up, no matter how much I might want it.

Oh, and my hair is falling out. Perhaps hormones, perhaps malnutrition, most likely some combination of the two.

I leave the house for doctor’s appointments, when we run out of milk, and those occasional times a check comes in when I can race to the bank and quickly pay some bills. I’ve dragged myself out for a few other things — a La Leche League meeting, a Moms of Multiples Club meeting — and found myself so exhausted that I basically slept the whole next day. Visiting Daddy-in-Training’s sister this past weekend has left me completely wiped out and it’s now Thursday and I’m still feeling it.

What am I going to do when these babies come? How will I physically manage everything I need to do for them and myself? And how will I cope psychologically with the things I simply cannot do?

I feel like I’m on permanent pause, waiting for this pregnancy to end, for these babies to GET OUT OF ME ALREADY, so I can start living again. Is this what purgatory is like? Perpetual limbo? The world is going on around me and I feel just stuck.

I know this is temporary. I know it will get better. I know it will be worth it when I have my babies in my arms. But I don’t know if I’ll ever feel normal again. And that’s what scares me the most.