101 Ways to Scar Your Child for Life

Until parenthood becomes a very real part of your future, it’s impossible to fully appreciate the myriad ways moms and dads can screw up their kids. Forget the worry that you won’t know how to change a diaper or will give them the wrong baby food. I’m talking about creating fundamentally flawed individuals who will forever suck at life.

I think most of us will agree that our parents messed us up in some memorable and meaningful ways. Most of us have probably sworn that we’ll never do X, Y, or Z that our clueless parents did to us. But of course we will. If we don’t mess our kids up in the same way, we’ll find some new and creative way to do it.

Something that has recently begun to occur to me is that parents are people too. They’re imperfect human beings who had no idea what they were doing and just made it up as they went along, while contending with the innumerable ways their own parents damaged them. For all their faults — any they are many — my parents did the best they could.

My mom’s overprotectiveness may have made me insecure and fearful of the world around me, but it did work. I was never raped, kidnapped, molested, or otherwise seriously hurt. No one ever beat me or drugged me. I never drove drunk. I smoked a handful of cigarettes, but that was the extent of my “recreational drug use.” I didn’t get knocked up during high school or college.

Strong academic performance was a requirement in my house. I got excellent grades, went to a good college and grad school, and turned out pretty smart. But in the process of trying to achieve the level scholastic excellence my parents demanded, I neglected to learn what made me proud of myself in lieu of making them proud. I failed to develop an identity separate from straight-A student. And I never felt like I was good enough. Ever.

How do we protect our kids without making them gutless pansies? How do we emphasize the value of education and encourage them to excel without making them grade-seeking automatons? How do we teach them to be well rounded without making them absurd overachievers?

I don’t even have a kid yet, and I’m sobered by the weight of the task before me.