Are You the Kind of Spouse You’d Like to Be Married To?

My fifth anniversary is coming up in September, and I’ve been asking myself this question for the last few months: Would I like to be married to me? I’m ashamed to say that, with the exception of approximately the last six or eight weeks, the answer has been no.

I don’t mean to suggest that I’m downright evil, negligent, intentionally cruel, or unfaithful. Those things aren’t me. But unfortunately what I am or, what I hope I can say with a fair level of honesty, what I have been is extremely selfish and immature. Throughout our marriage, I have put myself first instead of my husband in my decision making and attitudes. I’m still married, so largely this has worked out okay, but it is decidedly not the way to be a good wife to your husband, and it certainly doesn’t endear you to him.

One way to look at it is that I lucked out in marrying a guy who loves me and is forgiving of my stupidity. And, my friends, I have indeed been stupid. Unfortunately, the other way to look at it is that my husband wasn’t quite so lucky. Here’s one example: I fight dirty. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t have any clue where I picked up that habit, but I’m not going to name names. I will, however, tell you what I’ve been doing. Instead of pursuing making peace when there’s a disagreement, I’ve been pursuing being right. And one of the easiest ways to be right is to make the other person wrong.

This is all fine and good when the other person is just a complete troll, as was the case with one commenter back when I wrote for b5media. In response to my post Little Girls Who Dress Like Skanks Grow Up to Be Woman Who Dress Like Skanks, a reader who used the handle “Private_Freedom” remarked in part, “I think you are either an unattractive woman, or you just want to play mini dictator on how people should dress and/or behave. …You need psychiatric help. I dunno, maybe your mother never breast fed you, in which case your brain would be around 10-20% smaller than normal…” (see the whole comment). In that case, I had no qualms about putting that guy in his place. Nor did I have an issue with smacking down on an Inkthinker reader who personally attacked me when I said I wasn’t interested in publishing his work. But there’s a time and a place for that kind of response, and it’s not when you’re dealing with the person you’re supposed to love most in the world.

It’s driven me crazy the whole time we’ve been together that when we had some kind of difference of opinion, my husband seldom “fought back.” I recently realized that’s because it’s a complete waste of time because I’m a real jerk. When I don’t think I can win, I have a tendency to make other people feel stupid enough to give up on their viewpoint and acquiesce to mine. Believe me, this hasn’t been intentional. But now that I’ve recognized it, I cringe when I think back at some of the incredibly stupid fights we’ve had.

Something else that’s occurred to me is that most of the time, when he sees things one way and I see them another, the fact that he doesn’t immediately come over to my way of thinking after I voice my viewpoint does not constitute a “communication problem” or him “not listening to me”; it simply means that he doesn’t agree. It’s not something to beat to death, to get frustrated about. It’s something to compromise over or let go. And I’ve never really been one for letting things go, frankly, which is something I’m working on, and will probably continue to work on for a very long time. Possibly forever.

I think the basic takeaway in this self-revelation has been that if I don’t turn something into an argument, it doesn’t become one. And very few things in life are worth arguing about. Including the stuff that I used to (and am trying so hard to stop) nitpicking about constantly, like the way the towels are folded or the way the dishwasher is loaded. Seriously, if it gets done, who cares? Well, I did, but what a waste of energy to spend time stressing over something so meaningless, and to make my husband miserable over it.

Husbands are not children to be mommied or punished, nor are they daddies or white knights to swoop in and cater to their little princess’ whim. They are the people we wives have chosen to spend the rest of our lives with, whose needs we have committed to placing ahead of our own, and for whom we have promised to sacrifice and compromise and work hard. But I don’t see those things happening around me. Maybe that’s why I’ve been so screwed up. When half or more of marriages end in divorce today, promiscuity is the new black, and it’s all about me, me, me, I think it’s easy to lose sight of what marriage is for in the first place. It’s a lifelong committment to complete your partner — not to sit around and wait for him to complete you.

Love is not a feeling you have, but the conscious choices you make and actions you take every day regardless of how you feel. (I’ve paraphrased this from something I heard recently that really resonated with me.) It’s also about doing the right thing whether it feels good or not or regardless of whether you want to. Love is sacrifice for the good of another. And sacrificing for someone you love is an honor and a privilege, not a burden, and you should behave in such a way that gives the role — and your spouse — dignity.

Nobody’s perfect, but I think this realization may have made me somewhat more lovable. I know for sure it’s made my husband happier for me to consciously be his wife and to consciously love him in this way. But I see so many people like me, people who are pushy and selfish and domineering and who either don’t see it or don’t care, and I feel bad for their spouses. I feel bad for my husband for having a spouse like that for so long, one whom you might now reasonably call only a “recovering shrew.”I look forward to the day that part of me is a distant memory.

Where is it coming from, this resentment toward marriage and spouses? And would you want to be married to you?

Contents Copyright © 2009 Kristen King, Inkthinker

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