(www.sass-pants.com) — On Wednesday night, Jesse and I finally did something we’ve been wanting to do for pretty much the whole time we’ve been together: We wrote our wills. It was boring and tedious, but it’s a relief to have it done. And oddly enough, it was a really interesting bonding experience.
Virginia is a state where, if you don’t have a will, everything goes to the Commonwealth, not your spouse. The fact that we’ve known this and been married for four and a half years and still didn’t have wills was pretty stressful. Fortunately, the will part was easy and quick because we don’t have kids or any special possessions that need consideration, so we just left everything to each other and our siblings as backup. Crisis averted.
The final arrangements and advance medical directives were where it got interesting. We’d talked before about cremation, but we didn’t get into the details of ceremonies, memorials, pre-cremation embalming, ash scattering, etc. Who knew you could rent a casket for a pre-cremation viewing? Or that you could require someone to witness your cremation? Not me. Oh, and ick, by the way.
It was neat to see what he has in mind for his funeral arrangements. I knew approximately what he wanted, but I didn’t realize the level of detail he’d had in mind. And for me, I didn’t realize that I had very specific ideas of what I wanted in my obituary until the program we were using, Quicken WillMaker, asked me. Turns out, I do. I also didn’t realize that he positively doesn’t want to die in a hospital, whereas I don’t really care that much as long as my dogs get to see me before I die.
When it comes to a “living will” or advance medical directive, I have very specific requirements regarding certain life-prolonging measures. I do not accept blood transfusions or any blood products, including reinfusion of my own blood, so I wanted to be very, very explicit about what kinds of treatment are and are not okay so nobody has to make any independent decisions and no one feels guilty about possibly making the wrong choice. It took for-ev-er, but we both heaved a sigh of relief when it was done.
Afterward, we sat on the couch and ate frozen pizza (cooked, of course), and held hands. It’s not particularly fun to think about dying, but now that we’ve dealt with it together, it doesn’t seem as terrible.
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Very smart of you to have done this early on.
Ed and I first made out our wills when we had only one child (my daughter from my first marriage, during which there was no will in place!), and then we revised it only within the last couple of years, at which point we had three children, the first one grown. Our daughter, almost 26 now, would become our young sons’ guardian should both of us die before they reach the age of majority. We chose her, rather than my in-laws, to be their guardian because my in-laws are elderly and raising two boys would be too exhausting for them. It was a relief to have come up with a solution for that possibility.
Good for you guys for knocking them out.
My father-in-law (a retired corporate attorney) drew up wills for us as a present shortly after my husband and I were married. At the time, I thought it was a little weird and sort of morose (congratulations on getting married, you two, and here’s your death documents!), but now I’m glad we have them. (Funny side note: He had to redo them once because he didn’t realize that I wouldn’t be changing my last name to my husband’s. That was awkward.)
This is something I need to sit down and do. Everything would go to my daughter but if I were to die while she is still young I need to determine who would take care of all other arrangements. I don’t really care what happens to me after I die but the medical directives could be very important.
My Mom had a will but we have not been able to locate it in the couple of months since she has passed away. This has made things VERY complicated. So, I guess writing a will is important but so it letting someone know where in the world it is located.
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Oddly, that’s sort of romantic.
We’ve talked. I know where he wants his ashes to go. I think I know where I’d like mine to go. His children get the bulk (rightly so). My children get mine (again, rightly so). We provide for each other as best each of us can. And we give to each other regularly (dinners out, little presents), which I think is more bonding than the post-death grabfest some families get into.