Amateur Parenting – Page 5 – Just Admit It: You Have No Idea What You're Doing Either

Day 12: My House Smells Like Poop

Kristen King November 13, 2014 1 Comment

#day12 of #30days of #radical accountability complete.

Literally like poop. Because going cold turkey on the diapers is an interesting experience, and fortunately I was working and didn’t have to deal with the two partial poop incidents that happened today. But unfortunately I still hyperolfaction from my hyperemesis, and even though it happened hours ago and I’ve had all the windows open for hours, I still smell it.

In reality, our first potty-only day went great. We went through all but 2 pairs of underwear for each kid, which I think was pretty darned good for the first day. They learned how to pee into the toilet standing up for the first time, and had a great time standing to pee in the big potty and sitting to pee on the little potty in the family room for emergencies (when the big potty was occupied or they waited too long). They both initiated going to the potty multiple times, and Miles was having a grand old time running to the little potty, whipping his minions off, and announcing, “I think I need to pee” before fairly LEAPING onto the seat.

And only one of them pooped on the floor.

I’m doing less well, only because this obnoxious cold is really happening, and I’m not super thrilled about it. You know, unlike the rest of the times I’ve had colds and I was overjoyed? I’m definitely being a whiner on this one. I know it. I’m working on being less whiny. I’m trying to focus on that fact that I haven’t been sick with a cold in so long that I can’t remember when the last one was. Instead of being mad that I’ve been training for 4 months for a race that is THIS SUNDAY and now I’m sick. Because that’s what my mind keeps going to, and I have to really consciously tell myself to STOP FOCUSING ON THE THING I DON’T WANT and pay attention to the thing I DO want, which is to feel better and be grateful for good health.

I’m experiencing a variation of what I’ve heard some people refer to as “the yellow Jeep effect.” As in: As soon as you start thinking about buying a yellow Jeep, you see them everywhere you go and HOW DID YOU NEVER NOTICE THAT BEFORE? Which for me looks like: As soon as you decide to start changing how you do things and setting a better example and being completely transparent about your successes and failures, you realize how many things you need to change and how did you NEVER NOTICE THAT BEFORE? It’s a little surreal.

So, on to the radical honesty portion of the evening: I skipped my run and overslept. I spent the entire day in my PJs, except for when I swapped my flamingo pajama pants for jeans I pulled from the hamper to wear to the chiropractor. I basically lived on tea, toast, tablets, and essential oils today, until an hour ago when I drank a shake and some hot apple fiber, and now I’m on my second cup of hot apple fiber. I did drink some soup in there, and Jesse did homemade pizzas for dinner (before realizing it was National Pizza Day, weirdly enough), but it wasn’t exactly a stellar day in terms of nutrition or productivity.

But I’m feeling better, both physically and emotionally. And looking forward to a 4-mile run in the morning before some big meetings at work. It will be an interesting Thursday no doubt.

Follow my #30day journey of #radicalaccountability here at Amateur Parenting and through my nutrition and lifestyle journal on Instagram. Want to join me? Add these hashtags — #30days #radicalaccountability #coachkristen #dayX – to your social media posts and let’s do this together.

This is the spot where I would put my day’s Instagram collage…if I had instagramed anything today. Check tomorrow’s post for some latergrams. And you can follow it in real time by visiting me at @FLFitMom.

Day 11: When Jake and the Minions Moved In

Kristen King November 11, 2014 1 Comment

#day11 of #30days of #radicalaccountability complete.

How is it possible that my babies, whom Timehop proves to me photographically were still in my belly 3 years ago at this time, are going to be in Big Boy Underwear Because Diapers Are For Babies starting tomorrow? The moment my kiddos emerged from the womb, I got what my mom meant when she said I’d always be her baby. But now I really get it. It is unfathomable to me that these babies of mine are actually little PEOPLE who get annoyed when I call them “baby” as a term of endearment, because, “I not a baby. I big. I a BOY.” Like really, how did this HAPPEN?

To make it weirder and more surreal, I spent an hour today sharing baby items and twin pregnancy, labor, delivery, and breastfeeding info and experiences with an expectant twin mom and dad whose due days is just a week before the boys were due. Meanwhile, my little PEOPLE who just got back from buying Big Boy Underwear were wandering around talking about how diapers are for babies.

I shared a lot of wisdom that other twin parents and experienced nursers had given me, but I omitted one piece, one I knew I didn’t fully appreciate when I was pregnant but started to around when the boys hit 4 months:

The days are long, but the years are short.

Right now, when I’m flooded with memories of the final weeks of my pregnancy 3 years ago and the final weeks in our old house in Virginia just 2 years ago, I’m astonished by how short the years really are.

So much of the boys’ first year is a blur of screaming and poop and thrush and sleeplessness and loneliness. So much. It was crushingly overwhelming. And at the same time, it was exhilarating, joyful, empowering, and astonishing. And I’m so very glad I took so many pictures and videos, because I think I missed a lot of the astonishment of the day to day because I was just putting one foot in front of the other. I had these magical moments every day, and I lived for them. But at times it’s hard to remember them. I struggle to remember who rolled over first, who cut the first tooth, whose first word was which. I recorded it, Facebooked it, photographed it — and when I see it it brings the memory back. But if I didn’t have those cues, I don’t know if I could call the memories up in my mind. Is that weird?

It’s part of why I miss blogging so much when I don’t do it, and why I wanted to take on NaBloPoMo this year. Blogging forces me to be mindful. I may spend days, like yesterday, putting one foot in front of the other and just surviving, but blogging forces me to reflect on that, to find the meaning in it, to make it matter…instead of just letting it fade into a blur.

I don’t want to look back on my kids lives — on my own life — and feel like I missed it. I don’t want to get so caught up in the daily grind that I forget to notice the little things, to appreciate the beauty in the stolen moments, the ones that are so easy to overlook when you’re running late and someone hit your left shoe and the dog is eating somebody’s forgotten yogurt on the ottoman. I want to fix in my mind the pride and excitement in my boys’ faces when they brought home their Big Boy Underwear that they picked out by themselves because they are Big Boys Who Wear Underwear Now. Because this. This is the stuff that matters.

Today’s Rundown

Shakes: 1 down, 1 to go
Tablets: Two of 3 sets, but extra immunity support so it kind of evens out?
Tea: Excessive
Protein: Not enough
Carbs: Mmmm, nothing says “I have a cold” like comfort carbs
Water: I was too busy guzzling hot tea to drink enough water today. I’m okay with that
Workouts: Ran 4 miles, walked half, co-taught an hour-long FitDance class
Chores: About to fold 2 loads of laundry while watching Freaks and Geeks on Netflix, otherwise caught up
Sleep: Yes, please!

Find me on Instagram as @FLFitMom

Day 10: Phoning It In

Kristen King November 10, 2014 No Comments

4-up on 11-10-14 at 11.15 PM #5 (compiled)

#day10 of #30days of #radicalaccountability complete.

Today felt completely and utterly overwhelming for reasons I can’t yet articulate. Well, no. That’s a lie. I know what it is. I just don’t want to admit that it’s bothering me so much because then I’d have to deal with it. Also known as, all that growth I talked about yesterday? I still need some more, preferably soon. Now would be good. (I could stand some growth in the patience department, too.)

I slept pretty well, though a little less than I would have liked, but the morning was fairly smooth. I had a fantastic run and did my planned length at a great pace, so I’m staying on target for my #100milemonth challenge as well as my race coming up this weekend. My work day was light, which gave me a chance for some brain time but I felt like I wasn’t really firing on all cylinders and had a hard time staying focused.

I’m just grieving. Although the personal conflict I mentioned on Friday was recent, the fact is that the issues were building over time and the relationship shifted long ago and I just never verbalized it, never admitted it, never owned it. So even though the loss truly happened months, years ago, it feels like it just happened. It feels like a sudden, unexpected, traumatic death. And it hurts. And I don’t want to deal with how much it hurts because it hurts and sometimes I worry that if I start crying I’ll never stop.

I’m pretty sure it’s scientifically NOT A THING for you to cry forever (though Emmett did seem hell bent on disproving that theory for the first 5 months of his life, but that’s another post). Rationally, I know that though I may cry, it will likely be short lived and I’ll probably feel a heck of a lot better if I just cry about it. But allowing myself to cry over it — this sounds nuts, I know — makes it real. It makes it final. If I grieve over it, it really happened. And I’m not ready for that yet.

So rather than just DEAL WITH IT, I pretty much phoned in my day. I’m not particularly proud of that. I’m kind of embarrassed and ashamed, to be honest. A day like this after a day like yesterday is a pretty abrupt about face, which is, well, disappointing. Basically what I’m saying is I’m disappointed in myself for being human. Which is absurd when I look at it in black and white on my screen now. I would never be disappointed in YOU for being human. I’m not disappointed in my KIDS for being human. Sometimes I get annoyed with my husband for his humanness, but I wouldn’t say I’m disappointed in him.

And it all goes back to what I wrote yesterday: “Why is grieving so hard for me?” It’s not hard for me. It’s just hard. And today is good opportunity for me to get better at it. So I think it may be time for a good cry.

Find me on Instagram as @FLFitMom

Day 9: “Penguins? I LOVE PENGUINS.”

Kristen King November 9, 2014 1 Comment

#day9 of #30days of #radicalaccountabiity complete

There’s this thing that happens when you see pure joy on your child’s face and anything that was stressing you out, frustrating you, worrying you, suddenly becomes unimportant. Today was a total perspective reset, and one that I realize now I desperately needed.

It seems like the healthier I get, the “better” I get, the more I realize how much farther I have to go. And somehow that’s kind of exciting instead of completely demoralizing. At earlier points in my life, it happened on about a 5-year cycle. I grew up a lot at 17, 22, and 27. This year, 32, it’s been more like quarterly. I turned 32 in March, had a major awakening in April, and acted on it in May. And then I had another awakening in August that remains ongoing and seems to be taking me forward by leaps one month at a time. It’s simultaneously terrifying and exhilarating.

In one of my favorite books, The Agony of Alice, the main character, 11-year-old Alice, keeps a journal in which she records all of the embarrassing things she does. When she compares the embarrassments with the accomplishments, she fears she’s actually somehow growing backwards on some level. I think one of the reasons I fell in love with this book in 5th grade, when Mrs. Shotwell read sections of it to us each day as we waited for the bus, is that I related to Alice on a deeply visceral level. I was convinced I would be stuck in a state of perpetual adolescence, an in-between place where I basically stayed awkward forever.

I carried this belief WELL into adulthood, during which time I’ve suffered from a constant case of “impostor syndrome,” constantly fearing being “found out” as a fraud for merely impersonating an adult instead of actually being one. Because how could anyone this awkward possibly be a real grown-up? Over time I’ve come to realize that basically everyone feels like they’re making it up as they go along (hence the tagline of this blog) and it really and truly is not just me.

Even though I know this, sometimes I still find myself getting caught up in this pattern of thinking where I’m like, “Why is parenting so hard for me?” “Why is maintaining certain relationships so hard for me?” Insert-other-thing-that’s-all-about-me here. And that’s when I need a reminder that stuff is hard for two reasons:

It’s hard because I need to get better at whatever that thing is.
It’s hard because I’m not supposed to be doing that thing in the first place.

For instance:

Running is hard because this is the first time in my life I’ve ever legitimately been active and I’m training my body! The more I do it, the easier it gets.
Parenting is hard because it’s a constant state of figuring stuff out and finding things that work. The more I do it, the easier it gets.
Square pegs are hard to put into round holes because they don’t fit into round holes. Doing it more does not make it easier. Put the peg somewhere else already and stop wasting time.
“Having it all” and “doing it all” is hard because you can only have and do so much. There are only so many hours in the day, priorities matter, and not everything is for everyone all the time. That’s just life. You have to choose what’s most important to you and let go of the stuff that’s not as important.

Family fun day at the Florida Aquarium

Today, the day after a minor car accident that left me counting my blessings, I got to spend an entire day focused on what really matters: my family — both by blood and by choice. I got to see with fresh eyes what pure joy looks like as my kids marveled at the animals we saw at the aquarium today. I got to see with fresh eyes what pure love looks like as I watched my husband playing with our boys. I got to see with fresh eyes what pure fun looks like as I watched our friends’ kids playing with Miles and Emmett and sharing their elation over bugs and snakes and leaves and slides. And I got to experience with fresh eyes and a grateful heart what selfless giving with no strings attached looks like, thanks to the friends who gave my family an amazing day just because.

Taking all my tablets today, finally tackling the mountain of laundry on my dresser, surviving simultaneous toddler tantrums in front of a throng of staring strangers without yelling or dying (or killing either child), figuring out my run training schedule through the end of the year — it all pales in comparison to the look on Emmett’s face when we told him this morning that we were going to the aquarium to see the penguins, when his eyes got huge and grin almost split his face in half as he screeched, “Penguins? I love penguins!” It pales in comparison to the amazement in Miles’ voice as he talked to the “jellies” and showed his brother how the lights in the tank made the jellyfish change colors. It’s important, it matters, but it pales in comparison to the unadulterated glee I saw as my two precious boys jumped and danced and sang in the multi-colored lights in the dim tunnel at the aquarium.

It doesn’t matter how much “better” I get if I don’t have these little guys to get better FOR. They’re the reason I want to better my life, improve my outlook, be a “real grown-up.” I take pride in growing and changing, but I want these things because I want to give these kiddos the most amazing life I can, and I can’t do that if I’m not living an amazing life myself. Last night’s accident was minor, but I feel like it was a turning point. I’ve been feeling a bit like a ship without a sail lately, kind of doing the right things but without direction or velocity. I needed an ah-ha moment, and last night, I got it.

So, to the driver who hit us, thanks. Thanks for waking me up when I didn’t realize I’d been sleeping. I hope we can return the favor.

Find me on Instagram as @FLFitMom

Day 8: Run, Baby, Hit and Run

Kristen King November 8, 2014 No Comments

#day8 of #30days of #radicalaccountability complete.

Smooth, if slightly overtired, morning routine.

#strollerrun14 at the park. No stroller runners, but talked to almost 30 individuals and families interested in getting healthier alongside other busy parents. Feeling excited about getting more moms on the move in Hernando County. Absolutely adored running with the boys in the stroller, and chasing them with the stroller when they decided it was time for them to run instead of ride.

“Sip ‘n’ See” party to meet a friend’s brand new second baby. I love this as an alternative to baby showers for a child who closely follows the first so doesn’t need much in the way of supplies but still deserves to be celebrated.

Impromptu nap, followed by impromptu family dinner at my mother-in-law’s.

Then this happened.

And now I’m going to bed. A full accounting of the day seems silly when all that’s important right now is that my family is safe.

Find me on Instagram as @FLFitMom