Amateur Parenting – Page 37 – Just Admit It: You Have No Idea What You're Doing Either

McDonald’s, Whatever Happened to Food, Folks, and Fun?

Kristen King December 8, 2008 3 Comments

(www.sass-pants.com) — When I was a kid, we frequently recorded movies off of television and watched the tapes over and over and over. As a result, I have eerily sharp memories surrounding “the magic of Minolta,” Secret Keepers, Sylvan soft white bulbs, Bill Cosby and Jell-O Pudding, and a creepy face in the carpet selling some kind of cleaner (Resolve? Scotch Guard?) to remove stains left by the red wine people spilled perilously close to him. These were mostly from Annie, Alice in Wonderland, and Dumbo, in case you’re wondering, which is why I can sing most of the “Pink Elephants” song and “You’re Never Fully Dressed Without A Smile” in its entirety even though I haven’t seen either movie in at least 15 or 20 years. (Good Lord, when did I get so old?)

I also remember this one particular McDonald’s commercial where the old grandpa feels like he’s lost his purpose in life until he gets a job at McDonalds, and then when his little granddaughter (or maybe just a little girl who he took a shine to), who’s probably about 5, comes to McDonald’s, he serves her and she giggles like crazy. (Aside: This probably contributed to my childhood ambitions to either be an attorney or work at McDonald’s. I think attorney was my fall-back.)

And then Patti LaBelle busting a move to a poppy, gospely, feel-good, rock-out ad about food, folks, and fun…

Fun, right? And now, we have this:

What IS this exactly? How many takes did they have to do before they got through without some or all parties breaking out into hysterical laughter? And did they seriously pay someone to write this song? Yikes. (Don’t get me started on the nuggnuts wedding cake commercial.)

I think I just don’t GET advertising anymore. I never manage to feel like I’m the target demographic, or even figure out what they’re advertising half the time. Is this a symptom of my becoming a cantankerous old fart at age 26? Or are other people seeing this, too?

Mastiff Mayhem: Zen and the Art of Counter-Surfing

Kristen King December 4, 2008 3 Comments

(www.meowbarkblog.com) — Oh boy, oh boy, the dogs learned a new trick! It’s called “jump up on the counter and eat stuff they have no business eating and then shred the evidence all over the house so no one can prove nuttin’.” It’s totally precious. Except for NOT.

About two weeks ago, I came home from the post office and everything seemed normal. Until I went to make lunch and couldn’t find the baguette I had thought was on the kitchen counter. I called my husband at work.

“Did you take the baguette to work with you?”

“Uh, no, why?” he asked, like that wasn’t a perfectly reasonable question.

“I can’t fi– oh my God, is that part of a PANERA BAG????”

“What are you talking about?”

“Murphy just rolled over and there is part of a Panera bag under him on the dog bed.” I later found small pieces of it in about six other locations. But not nearly enough to make a whole bag. Hmm.

“Maybe you should talk to him about the baguette.”

“Yeah, thanks.”

In the week or so that followed, the dogs consumed:

Half a pan of brownies
A box of Krispy Kreme donuts
A bag of single-serve coffee filters
A raw, unwashed sweet potato
Part of a grilled cheese sandwich
Several paper plates and napkins
Eight (8!!!!!) empty cardboard boxes
A sheaf of brochures from my husband’s old company

And those are just the items we found evidence of. I shudder to think what may have gone missing without our noticing yet.

At first we thought it was Ty (he HAS been mighty pushy when I open the fridge lately), but based on last night and this morning, we’re pretty sure it’s Murphy. You see, Murphy has food allergies. Wheat, corn, beef, things normal dogs can eat. We switched him to food that doesn’t contain those things and limited his treat intake, and his dandruff and horrible stomach rash went away.

So when his rash came back in one small spot on his inner thigh (is that what you call it on a dog?) a few days ago and then spread with a vengeance I’ve never seen to the rest of his stomach last night, I took him to the vet right away. Turns out he has a staph infection (!!!) because he licked the living daylights out of it over the last few days, unbeknownst to me. The diagnosis? “Must be the stolen food,” the vet said solemnly. She did not add, “You neglectful dog-mother, you,” though I suspect from her expression that she was thinking it.

Now, not only do we have to change his TREATS to make extra sure he’s not consuming any allergens whatsoever and stop giving him people food entirely (what, you do it too, shut up), we can’t leave anything edible (or inedible, for that matter) on our counters or tables, lest he scarf them down.

It’s kind of like childproofing, except your toddler has the reach of a six-foot-tall adult and will not only mouth but actually consume whatever he can acquire.

Why did he have to finally realize just how tall he is???

Previous episodes of “Things Murphy Destroyed or Ate”:

I Totally Play Favorites With My Pets

Kristen King December 3, 2008 No Comments

(www.meowbarkblog.com) — While gathering photos for the rotating snapshots in the new MBB design, I realized that I have virtually no pictures of my lynx point Siamese, Zoe. She was the first pet I ever had that was MINE, and we took tons of photos of her on film, which are now trapped in albums that are around here somewhere if I ever get to finding them.

But we’ve since switched to digital, we’ve basically stopped photographing her. It was just a timing thing, I think. We moved to a new house where she camps out in our bedroom and seldom leaves, and the other animals are constantly underfoot so they get photographed and she doesn’t because she’s under the bed. (She seems to like it there, honest.) If she ran away, I wouldn’t even have a picture for the LOST poster! I’m such a bad mom.

Admittedly, it’s unlikely she would get lost under our bed. You know what I mean, though.

I know I play favorites with my little guys. It’s hard not to when some of them hate you, you know? (coughcoughzoecoughcough) And it’s also hard when some of them worship the ground you walk on. (coughcoughtycoughcough) And when some of them are lovable troublemakers who get into everything and require constant supervision. (coughcoughmurphycoughcough)

These animals are like my kids. Does this mean I’ll have a favorite kid, too? Yikes. Does that mean my PARENTS had a favorite kid? This is complicated. Maybe I should stick with cats and dogs for a few more years.

If Jesus Is Your Prozac, Depression Is the Least of Your Problems

Kristen King November 26, 2008 11 Comments

How’s this for offensive? “Jesus Is My Prozac”

I was test driving my husband’s new truck when I saw that absurd statement on a sign in front of a church in Fredericksburg, VA, and I nearly ran off the road I was so aghast that anyone could possibly be so ignorant as to suggest that depression can be cured by a healthy dose of religion.

Depression is a medical illness, not a figment of your imagination, and being “a good enough Christian” is not the cure. Are you suggesting that I suffer from depression because I’m a big fat sinner? Perhaps because I don’t believe in Jaaaaayyyyyyzus sufficiently for miraculous intervention in my brain chemistry? Gee, that makes me feel SO much better. Give me a break. Continue reading →

The Anti-Craving: When Nothing At All Sounds Appealing

Kristen King November 25, 2008 2 Comments

(www.sass-pants.com) — It’s well past lunchtime and I am definitely hungry, but nothing sounds appealing to me AT ALL right now. Well, that’s not true: There are five pomegranates on the counter and I want to eat them all, but that’s not exactly a nutritious meal. I should cook something, but I’m feeling very, very lazy. And bored. And there is nothing less fun than cooking a meal you don’t want in the first place when you’re bored, as I’m sure you know. Continue reading →