Amateur Parenting – Page 32 – Just Admit It: You Have No Idea What You're Doing Either

For the Dead Bird I Found on the Patio Today

Kristen King April 7, 2009 1 Comment

(www.meowbarkblog.com) — It caught me off guard when I looked outside and saw your broken body with perfect feathers rippling so slightly in the wind. I locked the dogs inside before I donned rubber gloves to investigate.

My breath stuck in my throat as I turned you over, bird, and saw the unfortunate angle of your neck. Snapped. Your eyes were still shining like the glass that misled you, but there was no flutter in your chest.

I don’t know how long you had lain there, bird, before I found you, but I’m glad it was me who discovered you on the cold concrete and not the dogs. I whispered an apology to your empty shell as I threw you over the fence, even though I knew you weren’t there.

You Known the Dogs Have Taken Over When…

Kristen King April 1, 2009 3 Comments

(www.meowbarkblog.com) — It’s been a rough couple of weeks with the animals lately simply because we’re both very tired and busy right now. As the one who works exclusively from home, I’ve had the pleasure of bearing the brunt of the animal frustration these days.

To get through it without selling anyone to the circus, I’ve managed to find humor in situations that would other wise probably make me cry in my current cranky condition.

You Know the Dogs Have Taken Over When…

… you find yourself vacuuming the comforter because you’re so sick of schlepping to the laundromat since it won’t fit in your own washer — and you wonder why you didn’t think of this sooner.

… instead of getting annoyed that the dogs knocked over the trash can when you went out to get the mail, you’re just relieved they didn’t eat the remote control you forgot to put on top of the piano for safekeeping.

… it begins to seem normal to squeeze yourself into 4 square inches of couch space because you can’t get a sleeping mastiff to move to the floor.

… the moment you see a dog on TV, you immediately lunge for the mute button while saying loudly “It’s TV, it’s TV” to reassure your animals that their inevitable frantic barking at the television dog’s first sound is completely unnecessary.

… you’ve stopped fighting against letting them in through the back door even though there’s a perfectly good dog door if they would just walk the extra 50 feet to get to it.

How can you tell the dogs have taken over at your house?

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How Have I Never Bought Dishwasher Detergent?

Kristen King March 24, 2009 1 Comment

(www.sass-pants.com) — We ran out of dishwasher detergent last week and I had this really bizarre realization: I’m 27 years old, on my second home, and have been out of my parents’ house for going on 9 years, yet I have never bought dishwasher detergent in my life.

This is particularly strange because of the two homes we’ve owned in 4 years, both had dishwashers, which we used regularly. Prior to that, we lived in small, cheap apartments that didn’t have level floors, much less the luxury of a fancy machine to wash our plates and silverware for us. We were lucky to have a four-burner stove with a single working burner.

When we moved into our townhouse 4 years ago, we used the previous owner’s leftover dishwasher detergent for about a month and then purchased a water filtration system that came with a 5-year supply of dishwasher detergent, dish soap (for washing dishes in the sink), hand soap, shampoo, concentrated cleaning fluid, glass cleaner, and bar soap.

Apparently we were a little generous with the portions when we ran the dishwasher since we ran out in 4 years instead of 5, but that’s beside the point. I needed to buy dishwasher detergent for the first time in my life and didn’t know what to do.

We didn’t realize we were out until we were COMPLETELY out, so my brilliant husband googled to find household alternatives to dishwasher detergent. (When he recounted for me what happened when he and his college roommate washed a soap-in-the-handle scrubby brush in their dishwasher back in the day — explosive suds everywhere — we agreed regular dish soap was a risk we weren’t willing to take.) Baking soda and Borax or dish powder with white vinegar as a rinse agent, on the other hand, sounded great.

That night, we ran the dishwasher with just vinegar as the green cleaning website suggested, and on Thursday, I went to Costco and picked up the cheapest powdered dish detergent I could find along with a 12-lb bag of Arm & Hammer, brought it home, and mixed it up 50/50. Total cost: $11. Estimated usage: at least 12 months at 1 tbsp/load. We already had more than a gallon of white vinegar for other cleaning.

It was a momentous occasion, this dishwasher detergent purchase. And judging by the remaining levels of laundry detergent and cleaning fluid, there are at least two more momentous occasions to follow in the next few months.

Real adulthood, here I come.

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To the Idiots Who Keep Throwing Trash out of Their Car(s) and onto My Property

Kristen King March 22, 2009 1 Comment

(www.sass-pants.com)

Dear Jerk:

Here’s a scenario I can understand: It’s a beautiful day , so you roll down the windows and, unbeknownst to you, a tissue or piece of paper in the back seat blows out the window.

Here’s a scenario I can’t understand: Same as above, except that, unbeknownst to you, the entire contents of your car ashtray blows out the window and lands at the end of my driveway in a neat little pile. Right next your two now-empty Dairy Queen cups that I presume used to contain milkshakes. And the remains of two Starbucks lattes — one hot and one frozen, both 16 ounces. And an empty can of snuff. And a crushed soda can. And the dozen or so other items that filled an entire grocery bag when I decided to pick up YOUR trash from MY yard.

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Dog Disasters: Today’s Episode of “Things the Dogs Destroyed or Ate” — A 30-lb Bag of Dog Food and 9 Rolls of Paper Towels

Kristen King March 4, 2009 2 Comments

(www.meowbarkblog.com) — I’m either a glutton for punishment or just slow on the uptake, because I thought I could run out to the post office for a few minutes the other day without worrying about the dogs making some kind of mess. We don’t let them loose in the house when we leave anymore because they’re so darn creative and brilliant at getting to things the shouldn’t have, and I figured there was nothing that would appeal to them in the mudroom or garage in the 15 minutes I was gone.

I was wrong.

I managed to pick up most of the dog food before I thought to take a picture, and about half of the paper towels were somewhat salvageable, however slobbery. None of them can go on a paper towel holder, though because the dogs ripped through so many layers that the individual sheets are no longer connected in most cases.

Sigh. When will I ever learn?