My Life on Hold

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Ever since I started to become sick during week 6 of my pregnancy (I’m 25 weeks and 3 days today), I’ve spent my life on hold — literally and figuratively. Literally, I’ve been on the phone virtually nonstop during waking hours with doctors, nurses, dietitions, insurance companies, hospitals, bill collectors (because those of us who can’t work don’t get paid), and the like, and I’m constantly being placed on “a brief hold” or waiting hours for calls back. Figuratively, my life has all but stopped otherwise.

Even though I’m starting to feel a bit better — I can sit up and change positions without puking now, for instance — I’m exhausted. I’m malnourished. I’m sleep deprived. My gut burns 24/7. I’m terrified of vomiting. I’m terrified of smelling anything. I’m terrified of trying to eat anything that I once puked up. I’m terrified of trying to eat anything that won’t taste okay coming back up, no matter how much I might want it.

Oh, and my hair is falling out. Perhaps hormones, perhaps malnutrition, most likely some combination of the two.

I leave the house for doctor’s appointments, when we run out of milk, and those occasional times a check comes in when I can race to the bank and quickly pay some bills. I’ve dragged myself out for a few other things — a La Leche League meeting, a Moms of Multiples Club meeting — and found myself so exhausted that I basically slept the whole next day. Visiting Daddy-in-Training’s sister this past weekend has left me completely wiped out and it’s now Thursday and I’m still feeling it.

What am I going to do when these babies come? How will I physically manage everything I need to do for them and myself? And how will I cope psychologically with the things I simply cannot do?

I feel like I’m on permanent pause, waiting for this pregnancy to end, for these babies to GET OUT OF ME ALREADY, so I can start living again. Is this what purgatory is like? Perpetual limbo? The world is going on around me and I feel just stuck.

I know this is temporary. I know it will get better. I know it will be worth it when I have my babies in my arms. But I don’t know if I’ll ever feel normal again. And that’s what scares me the most.

Managing Depression and Anxiety During Pregnancy

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Pregnancy comes with a lot of complex emotions. You're not alone. (Photo credit: Simona Balint)

Extreme emotions are completely normal in pregnancy, so don’t fret that there’s something “wrong with you” if you’re feeling anxious or depressed. You’d be weird if you weren’t kind of freaked out about this whole baby thing! It can be very overwhelming at times, and when the thoughts start snowballing it is very hard to break out of that down feeling. (As evidenced by my hyperemesis rant from a few days ago.)

We all have our down days, but if your down or anxious feeling is persistent and is interfering with your life, it’s time to do something about it. Although some folks are comfortable taking medication during pregnancy, I am not one of them! (I’m not really comfortable taking it when I’m not pregnant, but that’s another post for another day.) Fortunately, there are a ton of non-medication options that don’t require you to check yourself into a psychiatric hospital. And all of those options are completely safe to use in conjunction with meds if that’s the route that you and your provider deem best for you.

Here’s what’s worked for me: Continue reading →

Hormone-Fueled Hyperemesis Rant — 5 Months Down, 4 Months to Go

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This is how I feel right now.

Today is 4 months exactly until my due date and last night I had a complete breakdown when I realized how much further I still have to go.

Both of my arms hurt (right from the old PICC and allergic reaction to the wing guard and left from the new PICC and what we now think is a latex allergy), my acid reflux is so bad it makes me cry, I’m getting horrendous Charlie horses in my calves and feet, my nausea had abated but is coming back, and my belly is already so big with twins at 22.5 weeks that I can barely move around with what little energy I have.

It took me three hours to vacuum my house yesterday because I had to keep lying down for 10 minutes every 5 minutes. I feel like I’m never going to be normal again and I’m scared that I will hate my babies when they finally come. I feel guilty for wanting them to come early because what if they do and there’s something wrong with them?

Oh and on top of all that I have a yeast infection and I’ve had a horrible cold for 3 weeks and I’m STILL ridiculously constipated. And one of the babies keeps kicking me in the liver and it hurts like crazy.

I am so over being pregnant. This just completely sucks. I don’t know how I’m going to get through 4 more months of this. Thinking about it last night made me cry so hard I almost threw up.

I know rationally that of course I will make it through, of course I won’t hate my babies, of course things will get back to normal, but I’m just so scared and so sick and tired of being sick and tired that it’s hard to remember these truths and embrace them because what’s happening right now is so miserable.

Other moms with HG or other pregnancy complications, how do you get through this?

Things I I Took For Granted Pre-Pregnancy, Pre-Hyperemesis

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Pregnancy makes me grumpy. (Photo Credit: Steve Ford Elliott)

I didn’t realize how good I had it before I was pregnant and dealing with hyperemesis. In fact, I am beginning to understand exactly how much I took for granted. For example:

  • Being able to cut my toenails in less than 1 minute instead of almost 10 minutes.
  • Seeing my feet without leaning waaaaaay far forward.
  • Taking a bath or shower without needing to lie down afterward to recover.
  • Eating and drinking whatever I wanted without asking myself:
    • How likely is this to come back up?
    • How will it taste when it comes back up?
    • How will it feel when it comes back up?
    • Are the answers to the questions above worth actually eating/drinking it? Continue reading →

Weird Pregnancy Dreams: Kittens

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I had some bizarre dreams earlier in my pregnancy (mostly scandalous sex dreams involving random people from my past whom I had completely forgotten), but last night’s dream tops them all.

Last night I dreamt I was pregnant with two kittens instead of two human boys. They were orange and teeny and I know this because I could open my stomach and pet them. I just dug my fingers in right around where the top of my uterus is and pulled my stomach open like it had side-by-side cabinet doors.

“Being pregnant with kittens is so much better than being pregnant with babies,” I remarked to someone as I petted the little orange furballs in my stomach, “because you can actually see them before they come out. You can’t open up when it’s babies.”

They had umbilical cords and everything. When I was done petting them, I just snapped my stomach shut again and went about my business, pregnant with kittens.

What is your weirdest pregnancy dream so far? Leave a comment.