Attention New Parents: Your Life Is NOT Over Now that You Have Kids

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Screenshot from the Facebook page for Reasons Mommy Drinks. Love the blog, hate this pic.

Why do other parents say so much discouraging crap to new moms and dads? I thought the misery-disguised-as-advice was rampant when I was still pregnant, but I had no idea what was to come once I popped those suckers out. These Debbie Downers were oh-so-uplifting when I was busy attempting to gestate while puking so much I thought I would upchuck major organs at any moment.

Ten months ago, I wrote:

“Give up on the idea of ever leaving the house,” they tell me. “Sleep now, because you’ll never sleep again,” they warn. “Forget time alone with [Daddy in Training] for the next 18 years,” they say. I’ve learned to smile and keep my mouth shut, but what I really want to say is, “Just because you’ve chosen not to make any of those things a priority in your life and therefore resent your children doesn’t mean I have to do it that way.” I know plenty of well-rested, socially (and sexually!) active parents who have successfully incorporated children into their lives, and I fully intend to become one of them.

I’m happy to report that, with the exception of a few rough days here and there, my life with twinfants is pretty darned awesome. I sleep. I eat real food. I leave the house. I bathe. I get my eyebrows waxed. I meet friends for coffee. I go to the gym. I have dates with my husband. I have a sex life. I do normal human things. And yet, I have twins. Two children under the age of one. Both of whom happen to be teething right now (more on that in another post). It’s a freaking miracle, according to these depressed, miserable parents who apparently hate having children and are protesting normal adult existence as a result.  Continue reading →

Funny Baby and Dog Mishaps

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As a continuation to Tuesday’s post on awesome mommy fails, here are a few more that have happened in the last few weeks.

My Dogs Ate Two Bibs

So it turns out that my dogs like to help “clean up” after the boys’ meals, which is totally understandable when you look at the smorgasboard that is the floor, the high chairs, my chair, the counter, the barstools on either side of the high chairs, etc. Unfortunately I failed to take this into account when I placed the food-coated plastic pocket bibs on a barstool before taking the boys upstairs for morning nap the other day. When I came back down, I found one bib in the foyer and the other in my dog’s mouth as he snuck out of his crate guiltily. Oops.

My Dogs Ate a Mesh Baby Feeder

We thought we were geniuses when we purchased the Munchkin Fresh Food Feeders for $1 each at a yard sale, and let’s face it, we kind of were. Where our brilliance ended was when we left said feeders on the Bumbo trays when we took the boys upstairs to get cleaned up after they devoured juicy mango for the first time. Well, then our dogs’ genius took over, because Ty the bullmastiff destroyed one of the feeders to get to his own juicy mango snack. Oops again. Continue reading →

My Baby Licked the Toilet and Other Parenting Fails

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I have been on a roll lately. In the last several weeks, I have had so many parenting fails that it’s hard to keep track. Fortunately, they’re pretty much universally hilarious–mostly because they make me look incredibly stupid without causing any real damage to anyone, so I guess that’s the upside. Here’s a partial list.

My Baby Licked the Toilet

This was not just a snappy post title to get your attention. Emmett literally licked the toilet. This was, of course, moments after I set him on the bathroom floor and then proceeded to knock him over while trying to stop Miles from crawling out of the room naked. I grabbed Miles’ foot, propped Emmett up safely against the toilet, and scooped Miles into my arms and safely away from the open bathroom door. Mommy win, right? Yeah, but then I turned around and saw Emmett with his tongue under the toilet seat, looking up at me with big baby eyes. Awesome.

I Nearly Knocked Myself Out While Holding a Baby

The boys have a sloped ceiling in their room, which used to be our attic storage area. When I do bedtime solo, which happens a lot since I work from home and am pretty much always. here. I sit on the floor against the wall to nurse Emmett in my arms and bottle feed Miles on the floor. Miles inevitably rolls over and crawls away, so I put Emmett in the crib first and then track Miles down. That night, I stood up with Emmett in my arms BAM directly into the ceiling. I hit so hard I nearly fell down, and I heard my hair clip crunch as it smashed between my skull and the drywall. There is a dent in the ceiling, and my hair clip is history. Fortunately I didn’t drop Emmett, but my vision got hazy and I definitely staggered. Note to self: Look up. Continue reading →

Today Solids and Sippy Cups, Tomorrow Cars and College

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After much prodding from our pediatrician and several near-misses where one or both children grabbed our plate / food / fork / food and nearly sent same careening across the table or to the floor, we have finally started Miles and Emmett on “solid foods.” In actuality it’s a combination of baby led weaning (people food that the babies feed to themselves) and purees (which we dole out with a spoon).

Basically we let them taste anything they show interest in while we’re eating, and offer them age-appropriate preparations of stuff we think they might like even if they don’t try for it. (Occasionally, we also offer them things we think they’ll hate to see how they will react, which, let’s face it, is hilarious.) I was insistent that we wait until they passed 6 months from their due date and showed clear signs of being ready for solids. Now that we’re past that point, I’m pretty much game for anything. Continue reading →

Things I Overreact to while Working from Home

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Yesterday I was plugging away at my desk as usual when I heard a not-uncommon commotion from the living room. SuperSitter was scolding our 110-lb bullmastiff, Ty, which generally means he was either trying to get on the furniture or being a little too licky with the sippy cups. But then I heard her say, “Ty, NO!” and moments later Emmett let out a blood-curdling scream.

Oh my God, I thought as I leapt from my desk in slow motion. Ty stepped on him. Ty knocked him over and he’s unconscious. Ty bit his face off. Ty tried to play with him and broke his arm. Ty… It’s amazing how many thoughts you can have in a split second of panic. Continue reading →