I had my first confirmed miscarriage in July 2010. I say “confirmed” because I believe there was one before that, but I hadn’t tested yet and I don’t know for sure. I was devastated. I was lost. And I felt very, very alone. People kept telling me how common miscarriages are, that there would be other babies, that I should get over it, and in one particularly memorable conversation that I was “lucky because at least it wasn’t really a baby yet.” Those people can suck it. Here’s what I really wish someone had said, and what I say now to the moms in my life who miss babies they didn’t get to know.

I am so sorry. Miscarriages are absolutely devastating. It’s totally normal and expected that you feel lost right now. You will probably feel that way for a while. There’s nothing wrong with that.

I don’t remember what, if anything, my OB said after my first miscarriage. I was too upset. But I remember vividly that after my second miscarriage, my OB was like, “There will be other babies. Up to 50 percent of pregnancies end in miscarriage, but many of them are so early that a lot of times people don’t even know.” And I was like “And you’re OKAY with this? Are you out of your freaking mind? There will be other babies? Well, we wanted THIS baby.” I don’t even know why people say crap like this. And a lot of people will say crap like this. These people are foolish.

Know this: Your baby, even though you didn’t get to meet him or her, was a real person and this is a real loss with real grief. Your baby matters. Don’t feel that you need to hurry up and get over it. You have lost a child. Healing takes time. Continue reading →