The Part Where Parenthood Kicks Your Butt

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Usually I’m the mom on the right. These days, well, let’s just say the mom on the left would be a step up.

Last Monday night, Emmett threw up. A lot. It was disgusting. Little did we know, it was only a shadow of what was to come.

Here’s the short version:

  • 10 person-days of vomiting
  • 23 person-days of diarrhea
  • 10 person-days of fever
  • 1 febrile seizure
  • 1 ambulance ride
  • 2 ER treatments
  • 2 urgent care evaluations
  • 2 pediatrician evaluations

The first time your kid pukes on you — like legit pukes, not that piddly spit-up crap — you get a little on your hand or your sleeve and you’re like, “Oh my God, this is SO GROSS,” and maybe freak out a minute, scrub your hands, change your clothes. Around the fifteenth or twentieth, you’re just glad none got in your mouth that time. You wipe your face of with a baby wipe, swipe it over your hair to get the chunks out, and go back to soothing your distressed child. You are grossed out, but it’s like it’s happening to someone else. It has to be that way. Otherwise, how would you get through it?

Because babies are so stupid. They don’t even know how to throw up right. Any intelligent creature knows not to puke on itself, no? But babies are dumb. You have to show them how to lean forward, aim them toward something so it doesn’t go everywhere, and then stop them from lying down in it. And you have to do it over. And over. And over. All day, all night, every day, every night, for more than a week. Continue reading →

Stop Undermining Your Own Authority and Parent Your Kid Already — RANT

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I am sick and tired of seeing parents around me undermining themselves as parents and then complaining because their kids don’t listen to them. If you tell your child that he or she has to behave because of one of these reasons, YOU’RE CREATING YOUR OWN PROBLEMS:

  • Santa will put you on the naughty list / put coal in your stocking / not bring you any presents / be watching you all year to see if you’re good / etc. (if you use the Elf on the Shelf, same deal.)
  • The police will come and arrest you / take you away / put you in jail / etc.
  • When Mommy / Daddy find out, s/he will be very mad / you will be in trouble / you’re doing to get it / etc.

First of all, the first two aren’t even true. So aside from the fact that you’re telling your kid that he doesn’t have to listen to YOU but rather other people (one of whom isn’t even REAL), you’re just straight up lying. And sooner or later, they’ll figure out that you’re full of it. You’re also teaching your kids to be afraid of the police, in addition to telling them your word doesn’t mean anything. Duh. That’s just a GENIUS approach to parenting. Stop being a moron, please. Continue reading →

Must-Read Car Seat Safety Tips and Resources

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The single most important decision you make as a parent is one you make every time you get in the car: whether and how you use a child safety seat to keep your kiddo(s) safe in a moving vehicle. Are you using the right seat the right way 100% of the time? If not, your child is riding at risk.

  • The right seat is the one that fits your child, fits your car, and fits your budget. More expensive seats don’t make your child safer. Using a seat correctly is what makes your child safer.
  • Car seats work perfectly or not at all, and you get to decide. You may have the best, newest seat and the best, newest car, but if your seat is not installed properly and your kid is not buckled correctly every. single. time. he. rides. it doesn’t matter. You have to do it right, or your kid could die.

Vehicle crashes are the number 1 killer of children ages 1 to 13. Child safety seats, more commonly called car seats, can mean the difference between life and death for your child in an accident. Yet you may be surprised to learn that car seats have a 95% rate of misuse, and almost all of it by parents who think they’re using their seat correctly.

This is a fact: If you don’t use your car seat exactly as it’s intended to be used, your child is in greater danger of death or injury in a crash. That means installing it correctly and using it correctly every single time your child gets in the car, no matter what. That also means educating other people who drive and ride with your child on how to keep your child safe in the car.

Here’s what every parent needs to know about car seat safety. Continue reading →

Twin Tips Tuesday: How to Wear Two Babies in Soft Structured Carriers

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For families with twins, the ability to parent hands free is essential. I wouldn’t say babywearing saved my life, but it sure has made it a lot easier.

I routinely alternate which baby I wear when we are running errands, playing at the park, or just hanging out around the house. Now that they’re 13 months and getting heavy, I love to have them on my back. It keeps them entertained and out of the way of my hands while I go about my day. Unless I’m nursing, which is a VERY rare occurrence these days, back carry wins almost every time.

But sometimes, I need to wear both at once. The video after the jump shows my favorite way to tandem wear my twins. Continue reading →

Healing After Miscarriage

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I had my first miscarriage (that I know for sure I was pregnant — I think there was one earlier but I hadn’t tested yet so I can’t confirm) in July 2010. Baby showers were hell that summer. I was 5 weeks along. I bled a lot, which was how I knew something was wrong. Then my second was in December of that same year. I was about 7 weeks had already started to get very sick, and then suddenly I felt better. Had an ultrasound three or so days later and the baby had died. That one I had a D&C. It was very surreal. They gave me the option to wait to deliver the baby naturally with the second but I knew I couldn’t handle waiting for the other shoe to drop like that.
Even after the D&C I still had to pee constantly and I was so mad at my body. I felt like it betrayed me, and then it didn’t even get the memo!
The second pregnancy, every time I went to the bathroom I was afraid to look in the toilet because I was afraid of seeing blood again.
I had serious PTSD from that. Every time I got my period I almost had a mental breakdown. It was horrible.
So no WAY was I going to sit around and wait to “pass the baby naturally.” Eff that. I couldn’t handle it.
So THEN this whole pregnancy not only did I feel like I was going to die but I was CONVINCED that at any moment one or both of my babies was going to die.
For me the key was getting in with a doctor who believed my gut that there was more going on that just “miscarriages are very common.”
She trusted that I knew my body. I knew something else was going on. And I was right. I have a clotting disorder, which is what prevented my babies from growing and caused them to die. So now I know how to treat it and it is highly unlikely that I would miscarry again. I knew that going into this pregnancy, and it was still terrifying. But at least I could tell myself that over and over again and it kept me from losing my mind.
I just wanted a kid so bad. We actually looked into adoption while we were trying to figure out why I kept miscarrying, and almost succeeded twice. And then literally a week after the second one didn’t work out, I found out I was pregnant with twins.
Something that really helped me, and it may not be for everyone, was planting something in memory of the babies.
The first baby was a rose bush. We dug it up and brought it to Florida with us in a pot. And it’s about to bloom. In January.
It bloomed three times the first year and twice last year. I have no idea why. But it’s something I can take care of and look at and smile, and it really helps.
For the second I planted tulips, but, well, they died. So that was kind of depressing. But I feel more connected to the rose bush as the symbol of my other children, so I’m sticking with that.
Yes, I was able to enjoy my pregnancy once I stopped actively feeling like I was about to die. Before that I just WANTED to die because I was so, so sick. I understood how women could terminate wanted pregnancies just to feel better. I really, really got it.

My fourth(?) hospitalization was the first one anyone took me seriously, and they kept me for 4 days. I was a little over 9 weeks along. I was in the hospital that time when I felt the boys move for the first time at 9 weeks and 4 days. (Twin moms usually feel movement much earlier than singleton moms.) Neither of my first two pregnancies had made it that far. I had already lost 20 lbs. and was still shrinking. I was having heart palpitations because my electrolytes were so screwed up from puking so much. And it was still the best moment of my life. Those little secret moments, those special times that are just you and the baby in the middle of the night and you feel him or her roll or kick or hiccup or sigh, you forget to be afraid and you just LOVE. You learn how to relax into it. And even though you’re scared, you still enjoy it.